Saturday, January 1, 2011

Man in Black (or is it Red?)

World Cup Final referee Howard Webb has been recognised by Queen Elizabeth II in the New Year Honours list for his selfless and dedicated work to Manchester United.

The police sergeant from Rotherham has been known to do everything in his power for the England’s biggest club, including sending opposing players off for unknown reasons, and most famously for giving them an inexplicable penalty when two goals down against Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford two years ago.

“He’s done so much for us,” admitted Sir Bobby Charlton. “That penalty against Spurs turned the game for us and undoubtedly won us the league that year. It’s his almost magical ability to conjure a United goal out of nothing that really sets him apart from other referees.”

“He’s been our twelfth man on so many occasions so he really deserves his MBE.”

“I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving than our Howard. There’s no doubt that he’ll go down as an Old Trafford legend along with like Sir Matt and Sir Alex.”

Sir Alex Ferguson was full of praise for Webb, and said he fully deserved his place on the New Year Honours list.

“He’s one of the best players we’ve had in recent years. Cristiano Ronaldo may have been our top scorer that year but no one was more valuable to the side than Webby. He was worth at least twenty points for us.”

“A lot of people thought that we’d miss Cristiano when he left for Madrid at the end of that year but people seem to somehow forget that we always had the referee on our side, so it made bugger all difference.”

Now that Mr Webb has been recognised by the Queen, Manchester United fans have called for their club to do the same, perhaps having him a testimonial in his name.

“I’m not against the idea, myself,” said a fans representative, “but I think we could so much more for such a faithful servant. Some people think that we should rename the Stretford End after Webby but I still don’t think it’s enough.”

“I think we should erect a statue for him and maybe put it beside the one of Sir Matt, though personally I think it’d be best alongside the one of Bestie, Law and Charlton. That’s where he belongs.”

NT.

No Change

The entire nation is this afternoon busy scrambling around making pathetic attempts at entirely ignored 2010 resolutions, before making the next list of never to be attempted personal improvement goals.

Across the country, pages upon pages of year-old good intentions are being removed from sock drawers and filing cabinets, before being rapidly searched for something, anything, that can be achieved before midnight tonight.

Mike Davies of Bagshot spent an hour looking for his list before telling us, “Shit, this one says write a song. A song?! Christ, a Limerick is a sort of song, right?”

“Lose half a stone. Nope, I’m going to skip that one, short of donating some organs or a freak amputation in the next eight hours I’ve got no chance with that.”

“Still, it’ll be different with next year’s list, right?”

Michelle White, 28, defended her decision to leave her resolutions until this afternoon, before pointing at a calendar and insisting it is still 2010.

“Look, I’ve got about eleven hours to go, so I’m not a failure.  I am NOT a failure.”

“This one here says go to the gym more often.  Well, seeing as I never go to the gym, if I go this afternoon I can tick that one off, technically.  Yes I can yes I can yes I can!”

Realist John Gibson said, “I knew what this year was going to be like, so my list includes ‘earn less in real terms’, ‘put on half a stone’, ‘lose some hair’ and ‘let my relationship with my wife disintegrate further’.”

“So you see, this is why I’m looking at a page full of ticks.”

NT.

Need Inspiration?

Can't make your mind up on what to do in 2011 to make you a better person?  BNT helps you out.  Here are 100 ideas for New Year’s resolutions.
Grow
1. Keep at least one plant alive in your bedroom
2. Start learning a language not spoken in Western Europe
3. Join a book club or writer’s group
4. Memorize all the international capital cities
5. Discover the meaning of ‘classical’ in classical art/literature/music
6. Trace your roots — discover more about your heritage
7. Teach yourself Morse Code
8. Visit the history channel more often
9. Borrow a friend’s instrument and learn to play it
10. Learn how to become lucid while dreaming
Take care of yourself

11. Drink more water everyday
12. Learn to meditate and form a routine
13. Use more sunscreen
14. Start putting away a small percentage of your income
15. Cut your hard-to-break bad habit in half
16. Record your thoughts in a journal (or any handy piece of scrap paper)
17. Eat big, healthy breakfasts
18. Bike instead of drive
19. Add 30 minutes to the beginning or end of your night’s sleep
20. Drink tea instead of coffee
Take care of others
21. Meet your neighbours
22. Remember your friends and family’s birthdays
23. Pay for the person behind you at toll booths / top up their parking meters
24. Pack a healthy bag lunch and give it to a homeless person
25. Write a recommendation for someone who deserves it
26. Forgive that grudge you’ve been hanging on to
27. Give ‘I love you’ gifts (gifts without a specific occasion)
28. Listen more, speak less
29. Do foreseeable favors before people ask
30. Say what you mean and mean what you say
Slow your speed, lengthen the ride

31. Play more board games
32. Take a bath and use bubble bath
33. Re-read your favourite children’s book
34. Allow buffer time between errands/duties
35. Make your meals instead of buying them, chew longer, and eat with others
36. Start a compost pile instead of throwing scraps away
37. Take the scenic route
38. Hand write thank-you letters and cards
39. Have more picnics
40. Show up several minutes early to everything
Detach from material things
41. Donate some of your wardrobe
42. Investigate a philosophical movement in history (transcendentalism, stoicism, phenomenology) and consider it in relation to your life
43. Go on dates that require no money
44. Eradicate noise pollution in your home
45. Free your skin of make-up for a few days
46. Unplug, in general
47. Separate your material wants from your material needs — and focus on the latter
48. Volunteer some place close to home
49. Lend someone your Xbox (or PS3/Wii) for a few weeks
50. Walk barefoot more often
Live in the moment

51. Rediscover your sense of smell
52. Take your watch off occasionally
53. Take the words ‘someday’ and ‘soon’ out of your vocabulary
54. Make eye contact when you shake hands
55. Drop your expectations
56. Turn your phone all the way off, not silent, when requested
57. Acknowledge pleasure
58. Learn to shut your mind off when resting
59. Get out of your comfort zone more often
60. Relish silence
Love more
61. Get a pet (that you can realistically take care of)
62. Hug your friends whenever you see them
63. Keep a list of things that make you instantly happy
64. Remove half the mirrors in your home
65. Be thankful for little things
66. Take the guilty out of guilty pleasure
67. Avoid relationships that stress you out
68. Laugh out loud when you feel like it
69. Try to stop comparing yourself to others
70. Ask your parents for advice more often
Get creative
71. Write one poem a week
72. Throw a themed/costume party
73. Fingerpaint, sketch, or watercolor on weekends
74. Make your own jewelry out of antique or discarded items
75. Give quirky names to your travel gear (especially your backpack)
76. Draw up a plan for your dream home — and incorporate some of it into your current home
77. Finish a crossword puzzle
78. Give gifts that are homemade, not bought
79. Write a letter to your future self, put it in a box, and lose it on purpose
80. Photograph everyday things from interesting angles
Be aware

81. Carry a reusable bag with you when you shop
82. Back up your files
83. Buy produce at Farmer’s Markets
84. Unsubscribe from everything that creates clutter
85. Look up words you don’t know when you come across them
86. Own up to your mistakes
87. Make your means as worthy as your ends
88. Follow a news publication/channel you trust, not one that proselytizes
89. Support family-owned businesses instead of chains
90. VOTE (and know what you’re voting for)
Keep an open mind
91. Change your favorite color
92. Attend a friend’s sporting event
93. Grow your hair two inches longer than usual (or cut it two inches)
94. Watch more foreign films and documentaries
95. Let go of judgments
96. Go to karaoke bars once in awhile (and sing)
97. Try a food you can’t identify
98. Hear people out (fully)
99. Move your desk/computer to the other side of the room
100. Don’t feel pressured to make any New Year’s Resolutions

Why can't I see "shout more loudly at the TV" on there?

Happy New Year



According to Ethnologue, the world currently has 6,909 living languages. Here’s how to wish someone a happy new year in 40 of them. 
 
A-E
Language Spelling Pronunciation
Afrikaans Gelukkige Nuwejaar gha-likkikga-neeva-yaarr (“gh” is a throat scraping gutreral sound)
Albanian Gëzuar Vitin e Ri gu-zoo-ar vi-tin e ri
Arabic سنة سعيدة sana sa’eedah
Azerbaijani Yeni iliniz mübarək ye-ni i-li-niz myu-ba-rack
Bahasa melayu Selamat tahun baru selamat tahun baru
Basque Urte berri on err-te berr-rri on
Bosnian sretna nova godina sr-et-na no-va go-din-a
Bulgarian Щастлива Нова година sh-tast-liva No-va go-din-a
Catalan Feliç any nou fe-LEES A-nee n-Ou
Cebuano (Philippines) Mabungahong Bag-ong Tuig kaninyong tanan ma-boon-ga-hong bag-ong too-eeg kan-een-yong tan-an
Czech šťastný nový rok SHTU-stnee NO-vee rrr-ok
Dutch Fijne oudejaarsavond fei-nee ow-de-yaarr-sa-vont
Estonian Head uut aastat hed oot ah-staht


F-L
Language Spelling Pronunciation
Farsi سال نو مبارک sale nou mobarak
Filipino Manigong Bagong Taon mah-nee-gong bag-gong ta-on
French Bonne Année bon a-nay
Gaelic (Scotland) Bliadhna mhath ur bleenah vahth oohr
German Frohes Neues Jahr / Gutes Neues Jahr frohes neuyis yar / gutes neu-yis yar
Greek Καλή χρονιά kali chronya
Gujarati સાલ મુબારક saal mubarak (happy year)
Hebrew שָׁנָה טוֹבָה shana tova
Hindi नये साल की हार्दिक शुभकामनायें nayye saal ki haardik shubh-kaam-nayen
Hungarian Boldog Új Évet / Buék bawl-dawg-uuy-aevet / boo-ayk
Irish Athbhliain faoi mhaise dhuit / Bhliain nua sásta awh-tvleen fwee mm-hay-sheh gutch
Italian Buon anno / Felice anno nuovo boo-on ah-nno / fae-lee-chae ah-nno noo-o-vo
Japanese あけましておめでとうございます akemashite omedeto gozaimasu
Korean 새해 복 많이 받으세요 seh heh bok mahn ee bahd euh sae yo


M-Z
Language Spelling Pronunciation
Maltese Is Sena it -Tajba iz sena it taybah
Mandarin Chinese 新年快乐 xīn nián kuài lè
Maori Kia hari te tau hou kia hari tay tau ho
Polish Szczęśliwego Nowego Roku shch-eng-shlee-vego novego roku
Portuguese Feliz Ano Novo feh-liz an-oh noh-voh
Quechua Allin wata kachun qanpaq (singular) / Allin wata kachun qanqunapaq (plural) all-yin wa-ta ka-chun kan-pak / all-yin wa-ta ka-chun kan-koon-a-pak
Romanian La Mulți Ani laa mooltsi ani
Russian С Новым Годом s novim godom
Spanish Feliz Año Nuevo feh-liz an-yoh n-way-vo
Thai สวัสดีปีใหม่ saa-wat-dii pi-mai
Turkish Mutlu yıllar (happy year) / Yeni yılınız kutlu olsun (May your new year be celebrated) moot-loo yill-lar / yen-ee yill-uh-niz coot-loo ohl-son
Urdu نايا سال مبارک nayya saal mubarak
Welsh blwyddyn newydd dda BLOOdhin NEHwidh dha