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One for Wifey

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

Eyes like swirling brown pools

The shire-striker left Newcastle for £35M in the January transfer window, in a deal that made thousands of potbellied men feel upset in a way they could neither adequately define nor express publicly.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said “Many Newcastle fans will have felt betrayed and jilted by his departure, followed by the awkward need to do some DIY immediately to stop their stomach churning in quite so disconcerting a fashion.

“Seeing him run out in a Liverpool shirt will be like watching the mother of their kids walk into their local pub wearing a coat some other bloke bought them.

“This is assuming their ex is six foot three and built like a tattooed wardrobe made out of meat, but given they're from Newcastle I think that's a fair assumption.”

Carroll will be put through through some light man-crush training today by listening to a group of heterosexual men discuss how much they like the programmes of Professor Brian Cox.

If he comes through unscathed, Carroll will be more rigorously tested by sitting in a crowd of football fans watching slow-motion footage of Fernando Torres exchanging shirts at the end of a match to a soundtrack of Donna Summer's Love To Love You Baby.

Hayes said “It's easy to put this down to working-class men mistaking affection for complicated sexual feelings when a player leaves, but if they felt this way when Peter Beardsley left, something's definitely wrong here.”

DMash

Friday, 29th April 2011

ACROSS the country, British people are readying themselves for a once-in-a-lifetime fridge-cleaning moment.

We can make this better

There are few occasions in an everyday working person's existence when they seriously consider getting all the crud out of the fridge, putting the really rank stuff into a plastic bag, and then giving it a really thorough wipe down with a bottle of squirty cleaner.

Perhaps even removing the particularly scuzzy see-through drawers, and leaving them to soak in the sink.

For most of us, simply ordinary folk whose lives are seldom touched by mouldy onions and multiple jars of out-of-date curry paste, the days when doing all this seems appealing are very few, and so very far between.

But this Friday is one of those days.

It is a moment in history when a nation united by not being at work and a lack of normal television will stand up, chests inflated with pride, and say 'I might as well have a go at the fridge. Does nan want a cup of tea while I'm up?'

Remember it well, that you might share with future generations the fond memory of its cleaning-based magic.

Plumber Stephen Malley, just an ordinary honest, working family man from Tunbridge Wells, said: “It's funny, I never thought of fridge cleaning as something that was relevant to my life. I guess you'd call me a white goods hygiene refusenik.

"But there's something unique and very special about this Friday that has spoken to me on a very human level and made me go and buy some scourers."

He continued: “I will remove items including the mozzarella ball I bought nine months ago with the vague aspiration of making a nice salad, the old leeks that are starting to decompose, and the tub of Utterly Butterly that for some reason no one has ever thrown away despite it very evidently being empty.

"I will do this, and then I will use hot water and chemicals to make the inside of the fridge good again.

"And I will feel proud.”

He added: “I might even have a go at the oven.”

DMash

Lucky Days

The average Nigerian with an email account gets 4 emails per year indicating that he or she is eligible to receive a large sum of money.

I Need These?

The 10 Excellent Firefox 4 Add-Ons To Enhance The Way you Use Your Browser

Apparently:

As this is world of computers, everyone is using internet in any field he is in. Browsers are playing an important role in boosting up the use of internet more easily. Everyone wants more ease in using internet, so in this scenario more and more browsers along with their new versions are coming on the forefront. Likewise Firefox 4.0, a new version of Mozilla Firefox has been released on March 22nd, 2011.
This new major release is going to sport lots of new features including its vigorously changing stop/refresh/home button next to enhanced HTML5 and JavaScript support and it will definitely break a great deal of stuff we need today. So it won’t be insignificant to upgrade most add-ons to support it. Today I am going to discuss the great 10 add-ons to enhance your Firefox browsing experience.

Start Faster 0.2

This add-on is so interesting that once you restart the windows, it goes around the Windows features to load Firefox faster. ‘Faster Firefox’ shortcut has also been added to the Desktop which starts Firefox up to 2x quicker than without this add-on.

Personal Menu (Personal Firefox Button)

This is such a great add on that allows you to edit the Firefox Menu and change it to your personal and powerful one. It provides you a couple of new supportive items that are available to be put into Firefox Menu like Bookmark Items, Configuration, History Items, Restart. Besides that, toolbar-box, split-menus and sub-menus to organize your Firefox Menu can also be created.

The 10 Excellent Firefox 4 Add-Ons To Enhance The Way you Use Your Browser

Mozilla Labs: Prospector – Home Dash

By using this Mozilla Lab add on, you can the entire window to the web content by removing the typical location bar, search bar, and tabs. It helps users to find top sites, tabs, history, and do web search by enabling the search functionality in a dashboard.