Viz's Letterbocks

I BECOME incensed when I see opticians wearing glasses. These people should be sacked at once. What right have they to criticise other people's eyesight when they cannot see properly themselves?

WHAT A load of rubbish this new 'foil wrapped bread' is. It's supposed to last for 7 days. I ate mine in two.

THEY SAY that honesty is the best policy. Well the other day I told a motor cyclist in the pub that his girlfriend was boot ugly, which was the truth. In reward for my honesty I got a broken nose, lost eight teeth, and have suffered blackouts ever since.

WHY DO women keep telling me to go fuck myself? If I could fuck myself, I wouldn't be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place.

I WENT bobsleighing this Christmas. I killed Bob Holness, Bob Monkhouse and Bob Carolgees.. Do any other readers have jokes that work better when said out loud as opposed to written down?

I WOULD just like to say a big thank-you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip-roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

HAVING worked for many years in the tropical diseases department of a large teaching hospital, I have seen first hand the terrible effects of water-borne diseases that wreak havoc on the digestive system. Having said that, I had to laugh when I heard that Esther Rantzen had contracted amoebic dysentry.

SO IT'S our car, our flat and our money, but I notice it's always her tits. There's feminism for you.