Great Idea

THE government is to overcome Britain's inability to order grit by giving everyone their own flamethrower.

As ministers launched a wide-ranging inquiry into the nature of coldness, the first tranche of flamethrowers was being handed out in car parks across Surrey.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: "Gosh, it's quite heavy isn't it? Now then, let me just try and point it at some snow."

Officials said that instead of the bi-annual round of buck passing and recriminations followed by a comprehensive overhaul of Britain's grit ordering procedures that was obviously not going to work, it was actually much easier just to give everyone in the country their own petrol-based snow-melting capability.

Mrs Gerving added: "Ooh, it's got quite a kick when you fire it up. You really need to keep your shoulder very steady. Funny pong too. Can you use it indoors?"

Meanwhile, Nathan Muir, a trainee accountant from Redhill, said he will use his flamethrower to live out his Tour of Duty fantasy that he is a 19 year-old 'grunt' from Cleveland called Joe who is on a tense foot patrol near Da Nang, if Da Nang was under four feet of snow and had a Holland and Barrett.

The upcoming inquiry, to be chaired by TV chef Gary Rhodes, will be the first time in more than a decade that the British government has explored the nature of coldness and the effect that very low temperatures can have on everyday objects like aeroplanes, chocolate and Kay Burley.

Rhodes said: "As a busy chef I use fridges and freezers almost every week, so I know just how devastating coldness can be. Especially to fondue and Scotch broth."

But the government last night rejected opposition calls to widen the scope of the inquiry to cover the full range of temperatures and their effect on British goods and services.

A spokesman for the department of inquiries said: "This is not the time to be asking questions about hotness. Let's wait until we have a hosepipe ban in place before we open that can of worms."
The coldness probe is likely to follow the same criteria as the annual inquiry into where water comes from and why it moves around so easily.

Mr Gerving added: "Oh fuck, I think I've knackered the cat."

DMash.