Brian Sewell's World Cup Voting Guide

THE man who comes once a week to trim my hedge is most animated by the prospect of which nation will host the football World Cup that coincides with the 500th anniversary of Raphael's overpowering vision of St Michael vanquishing Satan.

I remarked to him that this would also be the 100th anniversary of Virginia Woolf trapping her nipple in Lytton Strachey's writing desk, an observation which apparently categorised one as a 'complete nonce' in the eye of this brutish horticulturalist.

Thus, to mollify his troubled, ursine brow I have volunteered to cast my expert eye over those charged with deciding where this festival of thighs and leather is to take place and have naturally identified the six key gentlemen, much as Leonardo's last supper emphasised the special closeness of St John's relationship with Christ.

Chuck Blazer, USA: It is, of course, terribly easy to laugh oneself silly at the very prospect of being American but I have recently discovered that this nation produces an item called Peanut Butter Cups, a sweetmeat that compliments mother's raspberry preserve in a heavenly compact.

Likely to vote for: England - the dear things still want to impress us with how grown-up they are.

Michel Platini, France: Ah, la belle Francais! C'etait le lieu de mon premier rendezvous avec une grande baguette! Alas, as the birthplace of everything thrillingly wicked, I fear the Gauls would find drab little England entirely bereft of suitable naughtiness.

Likely to vote for: Russia - where a man's soul can be bought for the price of a packet of Panini football stickers.

Michel D'Hooge, Belgium: I've never quite understood the point to Belgium. Is it to stop the Luxembourgians from falling into the sea?

Likely to vote for: Whomsoever can point to the wretched little place on a map unassisted.

Worawi Makudi, Thailand: The far east has always been a source of mystery and delight. I remember once berating a waiter in Bangkok for three solid hours over a misplaced soup spoon and after I came to an exhausted climax, the proprietors applauded me loudly before having the man shot.

Likely to vote for: Britain - I believe we remain their biggest matrimonial export partner.

Hany Abo Rida, Egypt: An anagram of Bandy Aria Ho, which was also the nickname of Maria Callas.

Likely to vote for: Spain/Portugal - they can't abide the cold getting under their fez, y'know.

Sepp Blatter, Switzerland: A man widely derided for his love of 18-course lunches, his ludicrous opinions toward the majority of mankind and being almost pathologically out of touch and as such somebody I feel a certain kinship with. And while the Nazis conduct was beyond the pale it did ensure that Swiss bank vaults have some of the finest art collections on earth.

Likely to vote for: Nobody. It's written into the Swiss constitution that they're not allowed to vote in order to preserve their endlessly profitable neutrality.

Overall, I predict a narrow victory for the Russians as I fear they will react to failure by having us all killed with an umbrella. Which would, of course, have a disastrous impact on the state of my hedge.

DMash.