RURAL AFFAIRS ministers. Avoid wasting eggs in public by driving to public functions in a large frying pan.
COMMUTERS. Why pay 20p for the use of the toilet at Waterloo when the code to use the bogs in the station's Reef Bar is 1009?
BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
SKATEBOARDERS. Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty fag at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window.
TV BOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving 'roving reporters' the sack on air if they say 'erm...' more than three times in a single report.
SUCCESSFUL businessmen. Fool neighbours into thinking you are unemployed by getting up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, putting on a tracksuit smeared with chocolate stains and sitting in the park drinking Kestrel Super.
OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.
COMMUTERS. Why pay 20p for the use of the toilet at Waterloo when the code to use the bogs in the station's Reef Bar is 1009?
BUSY EXECUTIVES. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
SKATEBOARDERS. Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.
SMOKERS. Take a tip from tumble dryer users. Enjoy a crafty fag at your desk by attaching a flexible vent hose to your face and running it out of the office window.
TV BOSSES. Improve the quality of live TV news by giving 'roving reporters' the sack on air if they say 'erm...' more than three times in a single report.
SUCCESSFUL businessmen. Fool neighbours into thinking you are unemployed by getting up everyday at 4 in the afternoon, putting on a tracksuit smeared with chocolate stains and sitting in the park drinking Kestrel Super.
OLD PEOPLE. Save having to get a flu jab each year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the butcher's during the war.
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