Bonnie Tyler

UK police chiefs have decided that if they let crime get bad enough some sort of masked hero is bound to intervene.

Might be nice to have a gay superhero

As figures revealed the police are increasingly behaving as if they are scared to leave the station, senior officers have formally declared their intention to let gangs, crooks and punks rule the streets while honest, law-abiding citizens cower in their homes, thereby creating the ideal conditions for superhero activity.

Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Sir Roy Hobbs, said: "The more like a Gotham City or Mega City One-type dystopia Britain's cities become, the more likely it is that a flamboyant vigilante will sort it all out.

"Such a hero would, most importantly, be working on an unpaid basis. So they wouldn't cost the taxpayer a penny in these straightened times.

"If we just let the criminals get on with it, sooner or later they'll murder the right person's parents and that person will create an effective alter ego, probably themed around some sort of animal that frightened them as a child.

"We've bought a big spotlight and a special phone."

However Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, believes modern Britain is a less than ideal context for super-heroic activity. He said: "For starters there's no quality villains. It's mainly just dickheads and drunk people."

Householder Tom Logan thought about becoming a masked vigilante after some local teenager drove a stolen Twingo into his porch. He said: "The police didn't want to know. I thought, enough's enough.

"I decided that I was going to call my alter-ego 'The Horse', becauses horses are strong and powerful and easy to draw in silhouette, with is good for costumes.

"I designed the logo but that's as far as I got. Since then I've been a bit busy at work."

DMash.