k'telontour travel the world; but S-L-O-W-L-Y...: December 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

I'm sorry, but this caught my eye in the previous post and still haven't stopped laughing. Isn't it just typical of Australia to give a medal to its top sports(wo)men- what's wrong with simply an award or title? But a medal? How utterly pretentious and gauche. From wiki:

The Allan Border Medal is considered to be the biggest individual prize in Australian cricket. First awarded in 2000, the medal is named after former Australian captain Allan Border and recognises the most outstanding Australian cricketer of the past season as voted by his peers, the media and umpires. Votes are cast after each game on a 3-2-1 basis, with a weighting applied to give both One Day International and Test players an equal chance of winning the award.

The award ceremony takes place at the Crown Casino in Melbourne and is held towards the end of January or the start of February each year.

Past medal winners have been:

Captain Clarke

I'm not sure about this guy, it seems he's copped the job by default and that is hardly the way to select a leader for your country. Either way, I just hope he makes a complete arse of things and England win the series 1-3. :o)

Sydney, New South Wales

It should be the pinnacle of Michael Clarke's career - captaining his country for the first time, in his home town, against the old enemy in an Ashes Test.

Except it doesn't quite feel like the celebration or the coronation that it should.

The circumstances are unfortunate to say the least: a stand-in job for the injured Ricky Ponting, Australia 2-1 down and coming off their second innings defeat in three Tests, with the Ashes already retained by England, a young side of not-yets and will-they-evers taking dreadful stick from public and press alike, and his own form apparently in pieces.

Neither will the headlines in Clarke's local newspaper on Friday morning lift his mood. Of the 4,500 people surveyed by Sydney's Daily Telegraph, only 15% backed him as long-term skipper. Simon Katich polled more votes, and he is (a) 35, and (b) unlikely to ever play Test cricket again.

Katich, captain of the New South Wales state side, is a popular man in these parts. But that doesn't quite explain why Clarke - at his best a fabulous batsman, full of dreamy drives and fancy footwork - appears to draw such a lukewarm response from cricket lovers across the country.

"I've copped criticism throughout my whole career - it's no different now," he said here on Thursday, and he's absolutely right.

From the other side of the world, Clarke's easy progression through the ranks (he made his first-class debut as a 19-year-old, captained Australia's under-19 team a decade ago and scored splendid centuries in his debut Tests both home and away) looked like the untroubled ascent of a shiny new sporting hero. He was awarded the Allan Border medal - given to the outstanding Aussie cricketer of the year - ahead of favourites Damien Martyn and Adam Gilchrist, and seemed set to inherit Steve Waugh's mantle as the state and country's most feted batsman.

Yet even then there were signs that the Australian public was not quite willing to clutch this young Pup to its breast.

Clarke is a recipient of the Allan Border Medal and a former Wisden Cricketer of the Year

Already Clarke had gained a reputation as a player who enjoyed making commercial cash, signing lucrative endorsements with an underwear manufacturer, a bat maker and a chocolate drink firm.

There is nothing wrong with buying a sports car, particularly when you are a working-class kid who grew up with posters of them on the bedroom walls of your childhood home in the west Sydney suburb of Liverpool, but if the runs then dry up, it can become an easy symbol for the doubters to take aim at.

And Clarke's runs did dry up. After a brilliant series in India was matched by one back home against New Zealand, he struggled badly against the reverse-swing of England's bowlers during the 2005 Ashes and found himself dropped from the Test side.

Showing considerable character and unarguable cricketing class, he scored a heap of runs in the Sheffield Shield, swapped his Ferrari for a Range Rover and won his place back in time to take revenge against England by smashing consecutive centuries in the 2006-7 Ashes series down under.

The on-pitch successes continued. Cutting out the wristy gambles and flamboyant flicks, he made his second coming count, just as Katich was doing the same and as Justin Langer and Matthew Hayden had before them. Centuries at Lord's and Edgbaston saw him named Australia's Man of the Series by England coach Andy Flower in 2009 Ashes; he was voted one of Wisden's Cricketers of the Year a few months later. But the problems off it have never quite gone away.

"For some reason there are question marks over Michael Clarke," Steve Waugh said this week, and everyone in Australia understood what he meant.

Some put it down to Clarke's private life, which over the last six years has been anything but. With ex-fiancee Lara Bingle he was a regular in the gossip mags and tittle-tattle weeklies, popping up at openings and ad campaigns like a prototype Antipodean Posh and Becks.

Bingle, a model from down the coast in Yowie Bay, came to prominence in a commercial for Tourism Australia asking "Where are you?" The answer, when she was on Clarke's arm, was everywhere.

If that tabloid familiarity sat uneasily with those used to the sober statesmanship of Waugh, the end of their relationship was messier still. Clarke flew home in the middle of Australia's tour of New Zealand citing "personal reasons" after Bingle announced she was suing her former partner and Aussie Rules larrikin Brendan Fevola for releasing compromising photographs from their time together.

Bingle agreed to sell her story to the same magazine that had printed the pictures of her in the first place. A few days later, Clarke's management company called a late-night news conference to announce that the engagement was off.

Those sorts of things did not happen to Waugh, Mark Taylor or Allan Border, let alone the near-sacred figures who preceded them as Australia's captain - Bobby Simpson, Richie Benaud and Sir Don Bradman.

Neither did the tattoos. Apart from an unfortunate 'LB' tribute to Bingle above a crouching angel on his right bicep, Clarke also has ink featuring his Test cap number, the words 'carpe diem' (seize the day in Latin) and the names of his parents Les John and Deborah written in Hindi.

Tattoos are no sort of reason to take against someone. If they were, this particular BBC correspondent would be another one in some trouble. Most of us have also experienced more than the odd sticky patch in our relationships. No man deserves unsympathetic censure for making mistakes he later regrets.

But Clarke was also having problems within the sanctuary of the dressing-room. Rumours of his supposed unpopularity within the team were already circulating in the Australian media when he was involved in an angry confrontation in February 2009 with the more traditional, church-going Katich.

At the end of every Test match win, the Australian team sing their victory anthem 'Under the Southern Cross I Stand'. After the West Indies had been beaten at the SCG in February last year, Clarke reportedly wanted it sung early so he could spend time with his family and Bingle. Katich disagreed and a fierce argument ensued.

"For the stuff in the change-room you'd have to ask the other guys, but I certainly feel the guys have shown me a lot of respect when I've had the opportunity to captain," Clarke said after skippering the one-day defeat to Sri Lanka earlier this season

"People will make their judgment, but I think as a team we need to continue to work together. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it's important to be true to yourself, and true to who you are."

The cricket authorities in Australia have made a big show of publicly backing Clarke in the build-up to this fifth Test, which the Baggy Greens must win to prevent an England series victory.

"Over next couple of weeks the Australian public will see a different Michael Clarke," insists coach Tim Nielsen.

"He has the chance to relax. He is not man in waiting anymore, he is the man and that is a big weight off his shoulders. I'm comfortable his strength of character will allow him to step into the job and do a good job.

"It's a huge moment for him and we all need to support him. Michael grabs people through his performance and is a natural leader, and that is why he has been appointed when Ricky is not playing. He has confidence to take risks and back himself under pressure."

Clarke deserves his opportunity to prove the doubters wrong. At 29 years old he should ready for the challenge, even if he is currently averaging only 21 and has inherited a side more inexperienced than any Aussie outfit since Taylor's team of late 1995.

Inside his left forearm he has another tattoo, this time a series of Arabic letters. Roughly translated, they read as follows: "The pain of discipline is nothing like the pain of disappointment".

It is a maxim that Clarke should now know by heart.

BBC.

100 Objects Part 5

81 The Sports Personality trophy

Divisive as ever, but awarded in an uninspiring year to a genuine champion. After a campaign involving cardboard cutouts and signed photos, 293,152 people (42%) voted for the winner. AP McCoy may not be a household name, but he knows how to win horse races.

82 A sprinkler

The dance craze that gripped England's Ashes party. Paul Collingwood is credited with inventing the sprinkler (place hand behind head, gyrate hips, rotate outstretched arm in manner – possibly – of a sprinkler) and Graeme Swann popularised it in his ECB video diary. Cue a mass sprinkle at the MCG.

83 The St Andrews hooters

At 2.40pm on the Friday of the Open the hooter called wind-stricken players back into the clubhouse to contemplate the damage 40mph gales had visited on their second-round scores. It took 65 minutes for play to resume, though the breeze was still strong enough to flatten Rory McIlroy's hair and obliterate his first-round lead, adding an 80 to Thursday's nine-under 63.

84 The Steadicam at England v Algeria

"Nice to see yer own fans boo ya! That's what loyal support is!" sneered Wayne Rooney down the barrel of the Steadicam after England's World Cup horror draw with Algeria. Subsequent tabloid revelations and a contract wrangle with Manchester United proved Wayne remains well qualified to lecture on the value of loyalty.

85 A super injunction

Donald Rumsfeld would love these little beauties: the unknown knowns of the legal world. Injunctions so sensitive, newspapers aren't even allowed to say who has taken them out. You know the formula: industrial secrets, matters of national security or, in John Terry's case, rumours he'd been friendly with his mate's former girlfriend. As we say, matters of grave national security.

86 A tank at Oberhausen Sea Life centre

So farewell then, Paul the Octopus, soothsaying cephalopod mollusc. You achieved global renown for correctly predicting the outcome of World Cup matches from a German aquarium, before death gripped you in its tentacles. Bet you didn't see that coming.

87 The tattooed arm of a rioter

Serbia's hardcore stepped up dismally during an October international in Genoa, Italy, throwing flares, threatening their own players and getting the game abandoned. Top idiocy.

88 A telephone

After a six-year international retirement Paul Scholes answered his phone in May to find Franco Baldini on the line with a plea for a comeback. Scholes said it was too late, he didn't wish to steal someone else's England place and in any case he was washing his hair. He later admitted regret that he hadn't ended his exile.

89 A toilet at Cape Town's stadium

Pavlos Joseph, an accountant from South Norwood, was fined £65 for trespassing in England's dressing room after their goalless draw with Algeria. He approached the team's cheerleader David Beckham and said: "David, we've spent a lot of money getting here. This is a disgrace. What are you going to do about it?" When Beckham asked who he was, he replied: "I'm Pavlos and I actually need the toilet."

90 A turquoise hat

After 33 years' absence the Queen returned to SW19 in a turquoise hat and coat, waved a white glove and watched Andy Murray thrash Jarkko Nieminen. She looked as uninterested as she usually does at sporting events that do not involve horses, killing or Scotsmen throwing lumps of wood around.

91 The TV camera at Ponte Vedra Beach

Eighty-one days after crashing his car and sparking a bevy of lurid kiss-and-tell tales, Tiger Woods broke his silence to an invited audience at the PGA Tour's HQ in Florida. Nine minutes into his act of contrition the main TV camera broke, leaving Woods shown only in profile as he haltingly accepted responsibility for letting the world, himself, and, most importantly, his sponsors down.

92 Valentino Rossi's x-rays

After a run of 230 successive grands prix starts over 14 years, Valentino Rossi was forced to sit out four MotoGP races after suffering a compound fracture of his right tibia during practice for his home GP at Mugello in June. "It was a bad fall, a bad injury, but I'm doing well because I've found I have a great relationship with morphine," Rossi joked.

93 A Vancouver haulage truck

An unusually temperate January was not welcome at Cypress Mountain days before the Winter Olympics. With sparse snow for the freestyle and snowboarding, organisers had to engage teams to push it down the mountain from higher elevations and import it by the truckload from more wintry locations. Such was the cost, locals dubbed the cargoes "white gold".

94 A Venky's chicken

In November the Indian poultry producer Venky's completed a £46m takeover of Blackburn Rovers. Within three weeks Venky's had given Sam Allardyce the chop, his fate apparently sealed the day the new owner arranged a VIP screening of its new acquisition in action; only to witness Rovers being thrashed 7-1 by Manchester United.

95 A video from the Hot Spot machine

Ricky Ponting was fined 40% of his match fee for his "Ricky rage" during the second day of the fourth Ashes Test. He railed at the umpires when Hot Spot failed to show a mark in the appropriate place on Kevin Pietersen's bat after Australia referred a caught-behind appeal. Ponting later accepted that he had set a bad example but refused to believe the technology developed for jet-fighter tracking was more correct than his own hunch.

96 A vuvuzela

The instrument of choice for the discerning South African football fan provided the soundtrack for the 2010 World Cup finals. Its loud droning noise quickly became tedious, as did the loud droning noise of players, commentators, pundits, journalists and TV viewers endlessly complaining about it.

97 A set of waterproofs

As a torrent hit Celtic Manor on the opening day of the Ryder Cup, the USA's inferior rain gear left them wet and miffed. The PGA of America said that its clothing, made by the Sun Mountain company, "did not repel the water to the players' liking", so team officials were dispatched to the course shop to buy the ProQuip togs used by the European team. At £170 per outfit and with 23 team members and staff to drape, someone's credit card ended up being whacked for around £4,000.

98 Wayne Bridge's hand

News of the John Terry/Wayne Bridge/Vanessa Perroncel love-triangle-that-apparently-never-was broke in February. Shortly afterwards Chelsea hosted Manchester City. Would the two players shake hands pre-match? No, they wouldn't. Given that Bridge has barely played since, there is little chance of having to go through all that again.

99 A weightlifter's scales

Zoe Smith, 16, a Commonwealth Games bronze-winning weightlifter, had her funding suspended after tipping the scales at a tad over 58kg. The sport's governing body said it "could not continue to support an athlete who was not committed to following a structured training programme or ensure they stabilised their body weight". Smith said she was "gutted".

100 The World Twenty20 trophy

After 35 years and 18 failures in ICC one-day competitions, England broke their duck by winning the World Twenty20 in Barbados. Paul Collingwood captained a side of specialist biffers and run-misers astutely to lift the trophy in May. Seven months later Andrew Strauss would be handed a broken replica urn at the MCG to celebrate the retention of the Ashes and cap a brilliant year for England.

100 Objects Part 3

41 A kitchen bin

Two days before he was due to fly out for the Ashes, Graeme Swann troubled his 78,000-strong Twitter family with an alarming question. "Are passports still absolutely required to travel overseas," he tweeted. "If so then I fear today may be one of frantic searching." A Home Office official contacted the England and Wales Cricket Board offering to rush through a replacement but epic queue‑jumping was not required as Swannyg66 confirmed five hours later. "My passport turned up in my 'safe' place, down the back of my kitchen bin," Swann wrote. At least it wasn't with his cat under the floorboards.

42 LeBron James's contract

In the NBA he is known simply as "King James". When he became a free agent this year his team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, wanted to re‑sign him, but in an understated move James announced his new team in a one-hour live television show called The Decision. He now plays for the Miami Heat and is widely reviled in Cleveland.

43 Lindsey Vonn's skis

Vonn emerged as the photogenic face of the Winter Olympics after winning gold in the downhill, the first American woman to do so. She then went on to win a bronze in the super‑G, fighting off bruised shins to become a star of the Games.

44 Liz Hurley's coat

The most unlikely Anglo-Aussie sporting/actress crossover since Matt Le Tissier got engaged to Marilyn from Home and Away. The first signs came when Shane Warne and Hurley were seen in a steamy clinch while they waited for their coats outside a restaurant. The Perth Test aside, the most surprising Aussie conquest of the Ashes winter.

45 A loo in Delhi

The build‑up to the Commonwealth Games was marred by the collapse of a footbridge, but it was a picture of a dirty toilet in the athletes' village that really caught the imagination. The Games passed without major incident beyond the standard outbreak of Delhi belly. Opportunity, at least, to inspect the facilities even further.

46 Louis Oosthuizen's glove

After winning The Open, Oosthuizen gave away the secret of his success. The South African seemed transfixed by his glove. In fact he was gazing at a red dot, put there by his "mind factor coach", Karl Morris. "The red dot," said Morris, "became his trigger point to go into a deep zen‑like, almost hypnotic state." And everyone else thought he had suffered a ketchup accident at breakfast.

47 Luis Suárez's teeth

Having become a household name for preventing a Ghana goal with a fisted goalline clearance, the Uruguay and Ajax striker needed something special for his encore. He delivered in November, biting Otman Bakkal in a Dutch Eredivisie match. "No, I do not regret what happened," he declared, citing fatigue rather than hunger ...

48 Mark Lewis-Francis's starting blocks

With the look of a man with a preference for the odd kebab or nine, Lewis-Francis appears to enjoy imposing his own handicaps. He was at it again at the Commonwealth Games, failing to set his starting blocks properly so they slipped as he drove off. He still won silver.

49 Mark Webber's front wing

"Not bad for a No2 driver," said the Red Bull driver defiantly after winning the British grand prix. The day before his car's front wing had been given to his team-mate Sebastian Vettel, whose own had fallen off in qualifying. The Australian seethed at the implication of the switch, though by the end of the season his words sounded pretty prophetic. Vettel was world champion.

50 A Melbourne traffic offence notice

The traffic cops got two English celebrity scalps in Melbourne, booking Lewis Hamilton for an illegal burnout in his Mercedes AMG C63 and bagging Kevin Pietersen for speeding in Shane Warne's yellow Lamborghini. Hamilton stumped up a £288 fine, and the England batsman paid £149.

51 A microphone

"One-two ... one-two." A description of a Spanish sortie into an opposition penalty area and what touchline reporter and girlfriend of Iker Casillas, Sara Carbonero, says to sound-check her microphone. Her Sky Sports counterpart Geoff Shreeves is yet to be silenced by a post-match kiss from a player. And for that we should all be grateful.

52 Miguel Angel Jiménez's cigar

There are approximately 383 things about Jiménez that scream "millionaire golfer", including his sports cars, contented pot belly and the confidence to pull off a haircut 20 years out of date. But it's the cigars that are the Spaniard's trademark and he puffed them happily as he helped Europe to victory at the Ryder Cup.

53 A milk bottle

"White liquid in a bottle has to be milk," said the former Internazionale manager Rafa Benítez in one of his cryptic criticisms of the former Liverpool owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett. It made more sense in context, but we'll still pass if he ever offers to make us a brew in the sperm bank canteen.

54 A mobile phone

The Australian rugby league star Joel Monaghan was photographed simulating a sex act with a team-mate's labrador in November and the picture from a mobile phone ended up on Twitter. "Alcohol is no excuse," he said at a tearful press conference. "I'd love more than anything to take it back but I can't." He signed for Warrington this month.

55 Nelson Mandela's buggy

Having emotionally blackmailed a frail Mandela into appearing at the World Cup final despite the tragic death of his granddaughter the night before the opening match, at least Fifa had the common decency to lay on transport. Well done Fifa! Well done!

56 Nobby Stiles's World Cup medals

In the middle of the Wayne Rooney contract saga it emerged that Stiles, who performed rather better than Rooney in World Cups, was selling his medal collection by auction. United did the decent thing, buying his World Cup medal for a record £188,000.

57 The Nolans' settee

When he wasn't rushing out to the driveway with a fire extinguisher in hand, Andy Carroll spent much of the latter part of 2010 slumped on Kevin Nolan's settee, much to the annoyance of Mrs Nolan, who quickly tired of pleas for bedtime stories.

58 Orange peel

Four minutes into ITV1 HD's coverage of England's World Cup opener against the USA the channel cut to a Hyundai advert featuring a man throwing orange peel out of his car window. Viewers missed England's opening goal of the tournament – and what would turn out to be the high point of a grim campaign.

59 A packet of fags costing £200

One of the strangest aspects of Wayne Rooney's News of the World kiss‑and-tell story was the amount of smoking England's No1 striker appears to get up to. The low point of which was Rooney paying £200 for a packet of room service Marlboro. Proof, finally, that it definitely doesn't make you look cool.

60 A pile of banknotes

The News of the World's Fake Sheikh's largesse was again in evidence when Mazhar Majeed, the "confidant" of members of the Pakistan cricket team, was stung when bragging about his ability to influence the bowling of no‑balls. After accepting £150,000, the charming Majeed proved his connection to Mohammad Amir by waking the teenage bowler by telephone with the greeting: "Are you sleeping fucker?"

100 Objects Part 4

61 A pizza takeaway in SW19

With John Isner's first-round match against Nicolas Mahut tied at 59-59 in the fifth set and suspended for the night, Isner was in dire need of sustenance and chowed down on Andy Roddick's largesse by demolishing three boxes of pizza. He said he could have eaten 12 Big Macs that night but after four hours sleep and the fast food feast he was suitably revived to close out the clinching set 70-68 the next day.

62 A players' statement

Upon boycotting a World Cup training session in protest at Nicolas Anelka's expulsion from their ranks for effing and jeffing at Raymond Domenech during a half-time bust-up, the France squad needed to find a suitably gullible and willing stooge to read out their suicide note to the cameras. Cue Domenech, who had in his hand a piece of paper.

63 The podium at Rod Laver Arena

Having lost only one set en route to the men's single final at the Australian Open and roared on by his mum and scores of Saltire waving supporters, Andy Murray was thrashed by Roger Federer in a straight-sets defeat and promptly burst into tears on the podium. "I can cry like Roger," said the Scot . "It's just a shame I can't play like him."

64 Red Bull's RB6

Adrian Newey's Red Bull RB6 was a good car from bow to stern, from its front wing that took flexibility rules to the limit, but passed every rigidity test imposed on it, to the exhaust-blown diffuser at the back that every other team battled to replicate. The Renault engine might have been down on power compared to its rivals but these days aerodynamics are the key to unlocking speed and no one understands these black arts like Newey.

65 A (silenced) referee's whistle

A crisis bubbled up after Dougie McDonald failed to award Celtic a penalty at Dundee United in October. After much criticism the mouse finally roared as Scottish refs announced a downing of whistles. Four games did go ahead after strike-breaking refs from Israel and Luxembourg were parachuted in.

66 Rio Ferdinand's crutches

A day after arriving at England's World Cup training base in Rustenburg, Rio Ferdinand suffered knee ligament damage inflicted upon him by Emile Heskey. Neither player would go on to help the English cause, although Heskey did play in all four of their matches.

67 Robbie Earle's World Cup tickets

If somebody had told ITV pundit Robbie Earle before the tournament that he was going to lose his cushy job after getting embroiled in a scandal involving a bevy of gorgeous, scantily clad Dutch models, he would probably have hoped it would involve something more salacious and racy than ticket-scalping.

68 Robert Green's toy-brick double

When England drew 1-1 with USA at the World Cup the Guardian recreated key moments of the game using toy bricks. An internet sensation was born and it was easy to see why: Robert Green's howler seemed rather cute when executed by an expressionless plastic model. The imitations went viral, but the 4-1 defeat by Germany was less cute.

69 Roberto Mancini's scarf

Not content with eclipsing their local rivals in the wealth and transfer spending stakes, Manchester City stole Manchester United fans' thunder by installing an urbane Italian manager whose choice of official club neckwear tied the Old Trafford anti-Glazer green-and-gold scarf campaigners up in knots.

70 Ronaldo's armband

One moment you're wrapped snugly around a well-toned biceps, a comically spectacular Elton John-esque hissy-fit at what would have been one of the great goals being disallowed for a team-mate's incompetence later, you've been ripped off and flung to the ground. It's not easy being the Portugal captain Cristiano Ronaldo's armband.

71 The roof at the Vikings' stadium

Winter in Minnesota consists of piles of snow, arctic winds, some snow, ice and a bit more snow. So you'd think the roof on the Minnesota Vikings arena would be able to support a bit of … snow. But severe storms this month meant the white stuff couldn't be cleared and the roof collapsed quicker than the Vikings' miserable season.

72 Sepp Blatter's first envelope

It was no surprise that Sepp Blatter pulled a card confirming Russia would stage the 2018 World Cup from his official envelope. If the England 2018 bid team had spent more time stuffing brown ones, the name on that card might have been different.

73 Sepp Blatter's second envelope

"With their proud football tradition, ideal temperate climate, the high esteem in which they hold women, migrant workers and homosexuals, and globally renowned tolerance of public displays of drunkenness, it is with great pleasure that I can reveal the Fifa 2022 World Cup will be hosted by … Qatar?"

74 A sequinned waistcoat

The most notable thing about Gavin Henson's sparkly togs on Strictly Come Dancing was how often they were discarded, possibly to distract the audience from realising Henson, all rictus grin and clomping feet, can't really dance. It worked though, Henson made it to the semi-finals. His best line: "I can say I've danced at Blackpool – it's on my CV now."

75 A set of screwdrivers

Graeme Swann's Francis of Assisi act in April was interrupted when police officers pulled over his Porsche at 3am on his way home from Asda. Having drunk five glasses of wine the England spinner says he realised his cat Max was trapped under the floorboards and in urgent need of screwdrivers to rescue him. His samples showed him to be over the drink-driving limit but the court case has been adjourned until February.

76 Shaun White's snowboard

Shaun White, aka "The Flying Tomato", won back-to-back Olympic golds in the halfpipe. His first-run score actually won him the medal so he unveiled his party-piece for his second go, the Double McTwist 1260 – a dynamic forward rotation three and a half twists with a front flip he dubbed "The Tomahawk".

77 A sheepskin coat

Global reserves of the word "flamboyant" were depleted in October, as obituaries were penned for Malcolm Allison. "John Bond has blackened my name with his insinuations about the private lives of football managers," said Allison of his successor at Manchester City. "Both my wives are upset," he added.

78 A sled called Arthur

A first Winter Olympics gold for Great Britain since Torvill and Dean in 1984 finally came in Vancouver thanks to another double act. Amy Williams sped to glory lying on top of a 33kg contraption she calls Arthur. While Williams got gold and fame, Arthur was rewarded with a couple of pats.

79 A snood

Enjoying a comeback since it's halcyon days warming the vocal chords of pint-sized 80s popster Nik Kershaw, neckwear for big girl's blouses has been catapulted back into the limelight by the today's softer footballers.

80 The Spidercam

In February Points of View, the BBC's venerable feedback show, was inundated with objections about the overhead camera shots captured by the Spidercam during England's 30-17 Six Nations victory over Wales. The corporation received 169 complaints, viewers claiming it left them "sickly" and "dizzy". To no avail – the wire-crawler was used again at the football World Cup adding motion sickness to the grievances of armchair fans.

100 Objects Part 1

1 Andy Schleck's bike chain

Leading the defending Tour de France champion Alberto Contador by 31 seconds before the 15th stage, Schleck ended it eight seconds behind having popped his chain when forging ahead 24km from home. Taking advantage of such a misfortune is cycling's equivalent of eating peas with a knife but Contador won the race on the Champs Elysées by exactly the 39 seconds he gained thanks to Schleck's chain pain.

2 An anthracite rugby jersey

Having tried imperial purple last year England went for an anthracite kit for the autumn international against Australia to "open up new revenue streams" according to the candid marketing men or, as one insider had it, to see if they conceded fewer breakdown penalties in a "less visible" strip. Either way England ended up glad to be grey, demolishing Australia 35-18.

3 AP McCoy's whip

McCoy made it 15th time lucky by winning the Grand National on Don't Push It, drawing every ounce of speed and stamina out of the horse to cross the line. At the moment of victory he brandished the whip at the crowd, with the sort of expression last seen when his compatriot Dennis Taylor won the World Snooker Championship and waggled his cue above his head.

4 Ashley Cole's mobile

Cole proved spectacularly unlucky even by his own standards when saucy photos he'd taken of himself somehow ended up being sent to a topless model of his acquaintance by "a friend of a friend". Pull the other one, Ashley. It plays Jingle Bells.

5 Audley Harrison's unused left glove

Ten years on from his Olympic gold, Harrison got his last chance to grab his "destiny" in both fists and become world heavyweight champion, an absurd match that came about because of the charity of his former sparring partner David Haye and the champion's keen eye for quick profit. Harrison landed one punch with his right in the 7min and 53sec the cakewalk lasted and left his left as unblemished as the roll call of great British prizefighters is by his existence.

6 The away dug-out in Port Elizabeth

Cunning plans were conspicuous by their absence, but playing Blackadder to his coach Stuart Pearce's Baldrick in their dug-out at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium during England's nervy World Cup win over Slovenia, Fabio Capello humiliated his minion with a series of contradictory instructions, before finally elbowing him off the bench.

7 A bag containing chicken and lager

With Northumbria police force in a tense stand-off with murderer Raoul Moat, the fugitive was threatening suicide. Cue: concerned citizen and former England international Paul Gascoigne, who helpfully pitched up at the scene with a fishing rod, a can of lager, a dressing gown and some fried chicken. But still Gazza was denied access to "Moaty".

8 A Berlusconi face mask

Upon donning a not-quite-as-rubbery-as-the-real-thing Silvio Berlusconi mask at the San Siro to celebrate his side's win in a Milan derby, Inter defender Marco Materazzi had some explaining to do. "It was just a derby prank, nothing more," chuckled the Matrix, putting paid to rumours he'd worn the mask in the hope of attracting sexier, younger girls.

9 The black ball at the World Open

Ronnie O'Sullivan confidently potted the pink to take his break to 140 at snooker's World Open in September but instead of sinking the black, asked the referee how much the bonus for scoring the maximum break would be. On being told it was a mere £4,000, £161,000 less than he had earned for one in 1997, there was a substantial delay before O'Sullivan potted it for "the fans".

10 A bottle of vodka

It was appropriate that a grubby scene – John Higgins was in May alleged to have been caught on camera arranging to throw a match – was toasted with vodka rather than champagne. Higgins was later cleared of conspiring to fix matches and, after a six-month suspension, won the UK Championship this month.

11 The Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium bridge

To add to the sanitary problems putting athletes off attending the Delhi Commonwealth Games, a series of DIY SOS bodged building jobs also put the willies up competitors. Twelve days before the Games began, a pedestrian footbridge collapsed, injuring 23, and brought Delhi's chief minister Sheila Dikshit to prominence and scatalogical japing about her name from Australia threatened a diplomatic incident.

12 A burning Range Rover

When a Hexham judge ordered Newcastle striker Andy Carroll to live with club captain Kevin Nolan, everyone wondered what could possibly go wrong. One late-night arson attack on his brand new chrome-plated Range Rover later, they wondered no more…

13 The cards in Howard Webb's pocket

With Dutch cloggers Mark van Bommel and Nigel de Jong somehow still on the pitch at the end of the World Cup final, referee Webb was criticised for not dispensing enough justice. He'd found time to book nine Dutchmen and five Spaniards, mind.

14 A case of beer

Presumably in an attempt to convince redneck America that he's just an ordinary regular guy Barack Obama bet the Canadian prime minister, Stephen Harper, a crate of brewskis the US would win the Olympic final against Canada. Canada took the gold and Obama had to shell out for 24 Molson Canadian.

15 A casino betting chip

Alan Pardew was in the wilderness until Mike Ashley gave Chris Hughton the chop. Pardew was his replacement, partly because of a friendship he had forged with Newcastle's managing director, Derek Llambias, during visits to a casino. Pardew may want to get used to gambling with Ashley as a boss.

16 A Celtic Manor mop

The Gwent rain came in deluges on the Friday and Sunday of the 38th Ryder Cup pushing the competition into a Monday finish and had it not been for the soaking greenkeepers, drowned rats with über mop devices they would be playing still.

17 Cheryl Cole's wedding ring

In an attempt to end speculation that she wasn't wearing her wedding ring to send a message to philandering husband Ashley, Cheryl Cole said "this has been going on for too long and is getting boring". If only all her observations on The X-Factor were that astute.

18 A chicken burger

Despite panicked calls for a comeback, Shane Warne has made just one onfield contribution in the Ashes, at Adelaide, where beaming from a sightscreen about to sink his neon teeth into a McDonald's Legend Chicken burger, he became the only Australian bowler to stop Kevin Pietersen in his tracks during his withering seven-hour double hundred.

19 A cow

Alex Ferguson was talking about Wayne Rooney and the allure of Manchester City's new riches when he mused in October: "Sometimes you look in a field and you see a cow and you think it's a better cow than the one you've got in your own field." Nice to see him staying off the horses.

20 The ball bitten by Shahid Afridi

By accepting the Test captaincy later in the year Afridi bit off more than he could chew and retired from the format after one game. At the Waca in January a less metaphorical dental indignity saw him gnaw the ball in the manner of a squirrel deshelling a nut. It cost him 3m rupees and a two-match ban.

100 Objects Part 2

21 The crossbar at Free State Stadium

"Nobody can tell me Germany were a lot better than us," moaned a deluded Frank Lampard after England's humiliating World Cup exit, so we must point our Big Finger of Blame at the woodwork. Specifically, the crossbar that denied Lamps when England were only 2-1 down.

22 A curry in Southall

Zulqarnain Haider, the Pakistan wicketkeeper, fled Dubai in November before Pakistan's fourth and fifth ODIs against South Africa and ended up in London, claiming asylum and threats by match-fixers. He chose Chaudhry's TKC restaurant on Southall's Broadway for a chaotic press conference to explain his actions before the bhajis.

23 Diego Maradona's lavatory

Before arriving for the World Cup in South Africa, Diego Maradona's advance reconnaissance scouts found the lavatories provided for the Argentina manager in his Pretoria hotel to be substandard. They were replaced with deluxe versions featuring a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands at a cost of £1,400.

24 Drew Brees's Super Bowl ring

For years, the New Orleans Saints had been a running joke in the NFL, and a pretty unfunny one for their fans. But this year under the guidance of their gunslinging quarterback, Drew Brees, they beat Indianapolis Colts at the Super Bowl. It was a victory for perennial underdogs and, more importantly, a city that has suffered terribly in recent years.

25 Dustin Johnson's club

Johnson took a one-shot lead on to the 18th tee of the final round of the USPGA Championship at Whistling Straits but bogeyed the hole and was set for a three-man play‑off. Eagle-eyed officials, however, had other plans, penalising him two strokes for grounding his club in a bunker that had about as much sand in it as a six-inch square of glasspaper. Johnson had not realised he was in a sand trap but his descent to fifth meant he would not risk grounding his club within a mile of a cat litter box in future.

26 Dutch fans' orange dresses

Looking this foxy shouldn't be a crime, unless Fifa are in town and you've been arrested and incarcerated for the heinous crime of wearing an orange mini-dress deemed to be – shock, horror – advertising a non-designated Fifa-unfriendly lager. These Dutch models had their knockers, Sepp Blatter, unsurprisingly, chief among them.

27 Fabio Capello's cap

The "Wally with the Brolly" headlines put paid to covering one's thatch in the manner of Steve McClaren. For England's defeat by France in November, Fabio Capello opted for an England baseball cap to keep his specs dry and woke to "Prat in a Hat" derision instead.

28 A Father's Day card

When Graeme McDowell teed off at this year's US Open the last time a player from the UK had won a major was a distant memory. A few days later he had given his dad, Kenny, the ideal father's day gift: victory at Pebble Beach. It beats a Top Gear DVD anyway.

29 Felipe Massa's car radio

"Fernando is faster than you." Those words, uttered in Teesside tones by his engineer Rob Smedley, must make Massa sit bolt upright in bed in a cold sweat. In the old days you could "not see" a pit board but now the message comes straight to your earphones. Massa can twiddle all the knobs he likes but he won't find one on his Ferrari that drowns out Smedley in favour of Smooth FM.

30 A fire extinguisher

When the Cosworth engine in Heikki Kovalainen's Lotus let go three laps from the end of the Singapore grand prix flames soon enveloped the rear of the car. Despite the temptation to abandon ship asap he stopped at a safe place on the start-finish straight where a Williams mechanic could pass him a fire extinguisher. Kovalainen doused the flames himself and created one of the most iconic images of F1 2010.

31 Gary Neville's socks

In one of his tedious demands for "respect", Carlos Tevez branded Neville a "sock-sucker" and "a moron" after the Manchester United substitute had flipped his former team-mate the bird during a derby. Carlos Tevez is 26. Gary Neville is 35.

32 Gérard Houllier's FFF contract

When is an Aston Villa manager not an Aston Villa manager? When he's still working for the French Football Federation apparently. "Unfortunately I won't be at the Stoke game because I'm employed by the French FA," Houllier announced on his unveiling in September, perhaps the least convincing leap into a new managerial era in Premier League history.

33 The Georgian flag

Nodar Kumaritashvili, a 21-year‑old luger from Georgia, was killed in practice hours before the Winter Olympics was due to start. The remaining seven members of the Georgian Olympic delegation marched into BC Place Stadium in Vancouver later that day for the opening ceremony, behind a flag draped with a black ribbon, and spectators, officials and competitors stood as one and applauded.

34 The goalpost in Guangzhou

Fifa's decision to stage the 2022 World Cup in Qatar was the source of much global mirth, but not as much as that prompted by the Qatari teenager Khalfan Fahad's decision to hit this upright from a yard out with the goal gaping in an Asian Games quarter-final. Never mind, at least he isn't gay or drunk in public.

35 A golf buggy

The morning after Wales had beaten Scotland in the Six Nations, Andy Powell failed a breath test at 6.30am at Cardiff West service station on the M4 having had the bright idea of taking a team hotel golf buggy up the motorway in pursuit of a hot breakfast. The player, nicknamed "Brain Dead", was dropped, fined and banned from driving.

36 A Jabulani

The official match ball for South Africa 2010, the Jabulani was subjected to almost universal criticism from those forced to play with it, the surprise exceptions being footballers on lucrative sponsorship deals with its manufacturer.

37 Jessica Ennis's javelin

The reigning heptathlon world champion was under pressure at the European Championships and needed a good performance in one of her weaker events. She produced 46.71m, a personal best and went on to secure gold. A fantastic throw and around 6m further than Kelly Sotherton's PB.

38 Joe Worsley's piano

Worsley endured a poor start to the Premiership season. More striking was the Wasps forward's excuse. "It's been heartbreaking having my piano in storage. It helps me perform better ... I know people will say, 'Oh cry me a river', but it's true." Sounds like he's taking requests.

39 John Henry's cigar

Liverpool were transformed this year when hated co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett were ousted by their own illiquidity, the Royal Bank of Scotland and the notorious cigar-wielding trading supremo John W Henry. The Boston Red Sox owner's giant WC Fields stogie became an icon as the club's saviour wandered the Anfield corridors, tickling Jamie Carragher under the chin and calling him "my chickadee".

40 Kevin Davies's toaster

Feeling peckish at home but repeatedly incinerating his Pop Tarts, the Bolton skipper made national headlines by proving too much of a Luddite to be able to use his toaster, but technically savvy enough to upload a photo of it on Twitter seeking advice. "How do you reduce the heat?" he pleaded. You don't, Kevin. You reduce the time.

Lists

I like lists of things and will happily post them up for anyone whiling away a bit of time in the office. This one from the Guardian looks at the top 100 (don't worry, I'll split it over a few posts) best sporting moments of last year in objects. It kicks off next post.

Quote/Unquote

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.

- L M Boyd

(Jump?)

Another BTS Pass

Wifey has finished hers and I have one return trip let on my card. We still have just under three weeks to go and so will have to buy another; our third, of this visit. It's still better value, even if we have a couple of rides left over before we leave (we think it's around half price per journey) and of course, no queuing.

Fairy Tales

A baseball-like game was referenced in the Old Testament in at least 18 verses in 4 different books.

If that doesn't prove that it was a fictional book, I'm not sure what does.

Big Thanks

To all the staff who drew the short straw and had to work last night. We ended up staying with them instead of going across the road to the night market and we certainly did have a great night in.

We also met some like-minded people and it turned out to be a quite cosmopolitan crowd with folk from the States, Germany, Holland, Brazil (a couple of stunners who gave wifey a run for her money) and our mad Scotsman, Ross, who popped in briefly. Top night and I really don't deserve to be feeling this fresh.

Mind you, it is a quarter past two...

The Oatmeal

Large Please

I have to say it's rather nice to be considered "normal" here as generally the Thais are a small race and I am most certainly on the diminutive side myself. It's even rather pleasing to buy clothes that aren't from the children's section and I now regularly buy "L" sizes as oppsed to made for Action Man.

The only downer is that I need a wok to iron the front of my shirts. :-(

Why Aye, Man

I'm constantly surprised at how English speakers (and therefore writers) who are ignorant of spelling burd's and blurk's names.

It's an "i" for the lady and a "y" for the gadgy if it's a male name. So many just leave it as "y" for both. So in other words, it's Tony and Toni or Terri & Terry.

Tommi & Tommy

A big "hi" to Tommi from America and Tommy from Germany with whom we spent lots of time chatting to about our various travels. In the end they left us to head into the town centre while we watched it on the big screen without the hassle.

It was packed and hopefully they made it in/back without too much aggro, but they will definitely remember this New Year party.

Not Too Bad

A good start to the new year with no internet connection. Then I realised our voucher had expired (we get 1 day, 1 week or 1 month passwords to use to access the wi-fi signal) and all is well again.

Happy New Year

To all of our friends and family who follow us on this Blog. ktelontour wishes each and everyone much happiness in 2011, plenty of laughs, success and good health and if the New Year is half as good as 2010 was, we will certainly be in for a treat. So, altogether now:

Happy New Year

The Final Word

Yes, that's your lot for this year. Tomorrow dawns at some point but I would suggest we may be kicking off a little later than usual, if at all. It's been a glorious year and looking back we've had some huge highs and just the odd low to blight the altitude peaks, but whatever has happened is now in the past and we look forward to what 2011 will bring.

Have a super time tonight, party until the wee hours and let your hair down but always remember to drink sensibly and safely. Or some other nonsense like that.

See you all in the New Year and we'll be carrying on as before, have no fear. :o)

Check Please

Over 31 miles of receipts are printed every day in America.

Never Rains, It Pours

Stuck Alone

Traveller's Tip- Last of 2010

Been cutting onions, garlic or some other pungent stuff? Wash your hands and then rub a little bit of toothpaste into your fingers before rinsing. It works a treat.

Big Puff

It seems Gordon Ramsay has not only fallen out with his in-laws but his hair is going the same way. It has bee reported that Ramsay has had a £30 000 hair transplant to go with his teeth whitening and Botox injections to flatten out his crinkly chin.

Which should make it easy for the next victim of his bullying, foul-mouthed tirade to have a simple come back; fuck off, baldy. What a big tart. :o)

Bad Timing?

Estonia is gearing up today for historic New Year's festivities to celebrate the tiny country becoming the first former Soviet republic to adopt the Euro. The currency changeover will officially start at midnight on 1st January, marking the beginning of the end of the Estonian Kroon and a final step in the Baltic state's efforts to become the 17th member of the Eurozone after achieving independence in 1991.

We wish them well but wonder if now is the best time to join the ailing currency? Only the passage of time will tell if it's a good decision and see if the Euro can recover. I hope so, as a unified currency is far easier for the casual traveller and so we'll keep our fingers crossed. That, and the fact we had such a marvellous time there when we last visited,

Anyway, more details at the Independent.

For Auld Lang Something or Other

The big night approaches and this year everything will be different ... or will it?

The rigmarole of dressing up to go out in weather that laughs at anything not the colour of sludge. Why bother? The cold, cheerless journey that deep down you already know is not worth the hassle. Whose idea of a good time is this? Ticket prices so inflated they would make a Weimar German balk. Door queues long enough to feature as a traffic incident. The enforced jollity of a battery farm of party-goers, few of whom know each other well, let alone like each other. The Olympic sprint to get as drunk as possible (despite the extortion at the bar) before The Big Moment. And of course, the bit when everyone cheers the bongs of midnight, as if they carried any more real-life significance than any other midnight. Why do we do this? The alcohol-marinaded man who flails around for a hug before confidently laying down this nuanced judgment: "Next year cannot be any worse". (His forefathers predicted the same in 1065, or 1938.) The two hours wait for an Astra masquerading as a minicab. Giving up and accepting volatile (but inevitably seatless) transit on the prison-on-wheels they laughingly call the New Year's Eve nightbus. The silent totting up of how much this expedition has cost. And to what end? Running the gauntlet of still-stewed revellers on the road outside your house. The grey daylight peeping in through the curtains. The certain knowledge that a quiet night in with the radio would have been better spent. The solemn resolution that next year you will do just that.

Nice bit in today's Guardian on what (not?) to do tonight. :o)

Recycling Bags

From tomorrow (1 January, 2011) Italy's hundreds of thousands of retailers will be banned from giving their customers plastic bags.

The Italian government is thought to be the first in the EU to outlaw the use of polythene bags (although Ireland imposed a 0.15€ levy on them in 2002 that drastically cut their use) and as Italians are plastic bag addicts, who use a fifth of all the bags distributed in the EU, the ban will make a very real difference.

More at the Guardian.

Random Searches

Osama bin Laden was not placed on the No Fly List until October 2007.

An official at the Department of Homeland Security explained, "that [placing bin Laden on the list] was so obvious that no one thought to do it."

Wood for the trees.

No Room at the Inn

The hotel has been fully booked for the past few days and has even needed to turn potential guests and walk-ins away. Good for business and hopefully a sign of good things to come in 2011. I know the boss man is rather chuffed.

Very Smart

Khun Saeri has just popped up to see us and he was clutching two boxes which were very prettily wrapped in gift paper*. "A present for the New Year" he beamed as he handed the two boxes over to me.

My package contained a very smart smart/casual short sleeved shirt in a light green, which will do very nicely for the next formal-ish evening out and wifey has a lovely red top, both quite probably chosen by the insightful Mrs S.

Many thanks once again and we're rapidly running out of space to store things. :o)

*Even the paper matched- I had green and wifey had red to suit the presents inside.

Still Shite

I thought perhaps, maybe Air Asia have sorted out their website for on-line bookings after recently having successfully picked up a few flights. Erm, no.

The site is just as piss poor as before and once again we have been kicked out and now blocked. No doubt it will take several days before we can pursue our access and by then prices will probably have risen. (We figured if we book before the new year it may be cheaper.)

Anyway, we are currently stuck in KL after flying in from Colombo, Sri Lanka and need to get to Bangkok and then we need a return trip to Siem Reap (via Phnom Penh) to meet up with Duncan before our final two month stint in Thailand.

Bloody bollocks is what I say to their rubbish site- although luckily it is a completely different situation with their flights and services in person.

The Guardian recommends the top 100 football Blogs to follow in 2011:

The Swiss Ramble

Essential reading about the business of football, with a depth of knowledge that makes it stand well out from the crowd. twitter.com/swissramble

In Bed With Maradona

An outstanding variety of football stories from around the world and through the ages are told here by an ever-growing collective, among them a personal favourite this recent piece on Justin Fashanu's spell at Torquay. twitter.com/inbedwimaradona

Zonal Marking

Michael Cox launched the tactics-porn site last January and says "it was inspired by [Jonathan Wilson's] Inverting The Pyramid and the standard of punditry on British television, in very different ways". Disclaimer: the good man himself writes a chalkboards column for this parish every Monday. twitter.com/Zonal_Marking

Football Further

AFP sports journalist Tom Williams blogs on all things French football, and also provides some rather handsome tactics pieces. twitter.com/tomwfootball

Billsportsmaps.com

A vast array of maps, locating the teams that took part in everything from last season's Blue Square Premier promotion and play-offs map to the 2010 Copa Libertadores last-16 map. Packed full of hidden treasures.

Football Management

(Dr) John Beech "offers commentary on current (and, to a much lesser extent, historic) issues in the management of English clubs and, as appropriate, the governance of the clubs and leagues". It's well worth digging into. twitter.com/johnbeech

Twohundredpercent

The breadth of coverage again impresses here as English football (and its clubs in crisis) get a thorough analysing. twitter.com/twoht

The Run Of Play

One of the best designed blogs on the list, this is "a blog about the wonder and terror of soccer". That tells you where the blog is based, but it covers far more than just MLS. Here are just two examples why you should read it. twitter.com/runofplay

The Ball Is Round

Trips abroad, trips around the non-league and just flat-out good writing. Enjoy. twitter.com/theballisround

The Seventy Two

An excellent compendium for the Football League fan, David Bevan helms this collection of writing on the lower divisions. (Disclaimer: you may have read David's guest articles on our Football League blog.) twitter.com/the72football

European Football Weekends

If you can look beyond the big plug from the Guardian on its homepage standfirst, you'll find the thoroughly enjoyable writing of Danny Last and friends as they make their way around the continent, from FC United to FC Copenhagen. twitter.com/dannylast