D.I.Y. stands for Do It Yourself, Screw Half of It Totally, Buy Really Inexpensive Circular-saw, Kill Self (the S.H.I.T.B.R.I.C.K.S is silent. Even though it's most often screamed at the top of your lungs.)
Just The Facts
- Wife! Bring me my box o' tools! I shall solve these problems forthwith! I am MAN.
- Wife! Hold the end of this measuring tape! I need to check if it shows 8 inches correctly! IT DOES NOT!
- Wife! Please hold up this supporting wall while I run out and fetch a concrete lintel and some emergency cement!
- Wife! This so-called professional you have invited into our home is going to take our money and emasculate me!
- Wife?
Decorating
Decorating is the most common form of DIY. Normally kicked off by the frustrated nesting instinct of the wife, it usually results in the complete destruction of the room by the husband, and the disbanding of the marriage by the judge.
How could you paint the bathroom New White when you knew I wanted White Tie? How?!
Because they look the fucking same
Choosing the correct paint color is essential to tying the room together. However, for the uninitiated, the range of colors can be overwhelming. This is often compounded by the bizarre names companies give their paints, presumably in order to trick panicked men into buying sixteen different shades of white. Names like:
Mouse's Back
Elephant's Breath
Dead Salmon
Sticky Fingers
And colours are the easy bit. When you move into the realm of tools (you know, those things whose fault everything is,) prepare to be overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of the damn things. For example: What's the name of that thing you use to cut wood? Got it? Now, how many more types are there?
Wrong!
But you'll suck it up and buy those eighteen different types of wrench, because it is only with these myriad of tools that your creative side can be truly set free to wreak havoc on your home.
Nearly every home owner tries decorating at some stage. The divorce rate is roughly 50%. Draw your own conclusions.
How could you paint the bathroom New White when you knew I wanted White Tie? How?!
Because they look the fucking same
Mouse's Back
Elephant's Breath
Dead Salmon
Sticky Fingers
Wrong!
Before:
After:
Nearly every home owner tries decorating at some stage. The divorce rate is roughly 50%. Draw your own conclusions.
Electrical
There are three important things to keep in mind when working on electrical systems: One, it is absolutely integral to the running of your home. Two, safety always comes first: Make sure everything is shut off before beginning work. And three, your electrical system should, at all costs and at all times, be left entirely the fuck alone.
Unless, of course, you're just doing something simple like fixing a socket. That's easy - you just match up the colors, right? And hell, once you've mastered that, it's a quick jump to putting up new light fixtures. Just remember to flick the current off at the fuse box. And while you're at the fuse box, why not see if there are any spare circuit slots - you may as well rig up that porch light while you're at it and make that extension to the shed permanent. Shit, that's grade school stuff right there. We'll just flip open these schematics and...
Unless, of course, you're just doing something simple like fixing a socket. That's easy - you just match up the colors, right? And hell, once you've mastered that, it's a quick jump to putting up new light fixtures. Just remember to flick the current off at the fuse box. And while you're at the fuse box, why not see if there are any spare circuit slots - you may as well rig up that porch light while you're at it and make that extension to the shed permanent. Shit, that's grade school stuff right there. We'll just flip open these schematics and...
Quit. Then we'll quit.
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