Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 59

59. Garden of the Finzi-Continis (1970, Vittorio de Sica)
De Sica's haunting, and subtly horrifying, account of an aristocratic Jewish family trying to outpace the long reach of the Holocaust. Dominique Sanda is sensational as the spoilt daughter

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 58

58. The Fallen Idol (1948, Carol Reed)
Ralph Richardson is wonderfully touching as the lovelorn butler up against the dangers of innocence - it caught Graham Greene's tone superbly.

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 60

60. Psycho (1960, Alfred Hitchcock)

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 61

61. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (1943, Powell and Pressburger)
A decent career soldier who believes in 'values' is a source of comedy and pathos.

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 63

63. The Dark Mirror (1946, Robert Siodmak)
Really scary. Olivia de Havilland plays identical twins - one's a murdering psychopath, the other isn't - in Siodmak's unusual suspense thriller.

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 62

62. Toy Story (1995, John Lasseter)
The industry-changing technical wizardry remained in the service of a buddy comedy about a toy cowboy and a space ranger

Movie Heaven: (100 - 81)- 64

64. Downfall (2004, Oliver Hirschbiegel)
Bruno Ganz gives the performance of his life as the Fuhrer, still raging against the dying of the Reich in a chaotic bunker beneath Berlin.

Tying the Knot

Ed Miliband’s wedding has finally made people reconsider the ridiculous notion that every high-profile marriage ceremony is the sort of event you wish you’d been invited to.

The Labour leader tied the knot with long-term partner Justine Thornton in a low-key civil ceremony on Friday which did not take place in a 16th century gothic church and was not attended by kings and queens, or celebrities of any description.

“When Ed told me the ceremony was taking place in a hotel, I knew not to expect too much,” guest Helen Walters admitted.

“But when he failed to turn up to a fanfare in a horse-drawn carriage made of gold, I still died a little inside.”
 

Hammer blow
Guest were dealt a further blow after arriving at the reception, only to discover it was not to be held in Buckingham Palace.

“That’s when we all started to get a little annoyed,” friend Alison Meyers revealed.

“We all just thought ‘OK Ed, you’ve made your point. You don’t need to hammer it home quite so hard, do you?’ What a fucking arsehole.”

“I mean – poor Justine! No kingdom, no crown, not even a castle.” she added.

“She must really actually love him or something.”

The pair are currently on a five-day honeymoon at a secret location and – in a twist which many find most depressing – the media seem perfectly happy to leave them in peace.”
NT

Pot Kettle

AGEING actor Harrison Ford has forgotten his starring role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it emerged last night.

Ford wielding a CGI whip that made no sense

As he hit out at 'soulless' action movies filled with computer generated images, worried friends telephoned to see if he had forgotten being in any other films.

John Rhys-Davies, who first appeared with Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark, said: "As I read his words I thought, 'Harrison, my friend, it was only three years ago that you were paid millions of dollars to appear in a film that was basically a lot of CGI, an absurd plot and was so soulless it seemed to have machine-gunned not only its own soul but the soul of everyone who saw it'."

Rhys-Davies, who also played Gimli, the freakishly tall Welshman in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, added: "I telephoned him and it seems he does remember being in Raiders, Temple of Doom, Last Crusade, The Fugitive, Clear and Present Danger, the original Star Wars trilogy, Blade Runner and Air Force One.

"He even remembers being in Patriot Games. Bloody hell.

"I had hoped that with the CGI in Crystal Skull being so appaling he may not really regard it is a CGI, but it seems he has indeed lost all memory of the six month shoot and $185m budget.

"His nurse said he doesn't even recognise himself when he watches it. He just says, 'that was a piece of shit - I can't believe they thought that was a good idea'.

"It's such a shame. He's only 68."

Ford gave the interview on the set of his latest film Cowboys and Aliens.

It is not a Woody Allen film.

DMash

Passed Over

X Factor judge Louis Walsh has gone public with a humiliating rebuke for recently-fired Cheryl Cole by insisting he would have been a mere 100% happy to see her back on the UK show.

With UK line-up now official, and with Cole not having a place on the judges panel this series, Walsh took no time in using his tenuous grasp of mathematics to slam Cole in his own special way.

He told reporters, “Of course I’d have been happy to have Cheryl back, I loved working with her – if she’d been sat next to me I’d have been 100% happy.”

The statement has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, with many wondering how long Walsh’s simmering resentment has been boiling under.

Entertainment reporters, “You have to remember this is a man who offered one million percent of his support to Jedward. That’s ten thousand times more support than he offered Cheryl. He must really, really hate her.”
 
New X Factor shouty people
Though Cheryl Cole has yet to be reached for a statement, sources close to her insist she is devastated by Walsh’s public condemnation of her abilities as a judge.

An unnamed friend told us, “Even people who get knocked out before the final twelve regularly get several hundred percent from Louis, so as you can imagine, this is a real kick in the teeth for Cheryl.”

“Even his standard 110% backing would have been better than this. It’s the first time he’s ever given a backing to someone that is still in the realm of plausible mathematics, and you have to say, it hurts.”

“Right now Cheryl is 50/50 on whether she’ll take another TV role, tough there’s only a 10% chance of that.”

NT

Greenbacks

The average person will handle less than 94 different $100 bills in their lifetime.

Not difficult to believe as many people don't even use dollars.  Mind you, we've easily gone past that figure already and we've only been to the USA once, so far.

That's a Question

Mouthwash.

Before or after you brush your teeth?

Sticking the Pins In

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective amongst people who have nothing wrong with them.

It works best if you jab them right into your eyes

An academic study has shown that the majority of patients reporting mystery symptoms stopped pretending they had them when someone poked at them with a cocktail stick.

Carlisle-based malingerer, Wayne Hayes, said: "For years I've been infesting my doctor's surgery complaining about a sort of back pain, sort of heat rash kind of thing.

"But after just four sessions of being stabbed in the face, I've completely knocked it on the head.

"I have loads more energy and feel much better 'in myself'.

"I think this is mainly down to the fact I no longer wish to be stabbed in the face."

Experts stressed that acupuncture, like murder and lying, has existed for thousands of years and works on the fundamental Chinese principle that if it hurts it must be working.

Practising acupuncturist and Carlisle-based charlatan, Wayne Hayes, said: "The body is divided into 763 sections, each one based on an episode of Casualty, and with 13 'meridians' based on the 13 series of Holby City.

"It feels good to finally say that out loud."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "To truly assess the efficacy of acupuncture a widespread double-blind test needs to be conducted over a series of years but to be honest it's the equivalent of mapping the DNA of pixies or conducting a geological study of Narnia."

DMash

Bowing Out

Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes has responded to speculation about his future by finally calling time on his seventeen-year quest to learn how to tackle.

The 36 year-old had been expected to sign a one-year contract extension in the hope of finally perfecting the art of removing a football from the possession of another player without kicking them in the groin.

However, it seems he has finally admitted defeat and decided to hang up his boots before they become accidentally embedded in the chest of one of his opponents.

Scholes told reporters, “It wasn’t an easy decision, but one I came to with the help of my family, and the support of Manchester United. We agreed that if, at thirty-six years of age, I haven’t found a way of safely tackling my opponents, then I probably never will.”

“I think back with fondness to the 19 year-old who made his debut, confident that ‘tackling’ was something that would come with experience. Oh how little I knew.”
 
Scholes to spend more time out of the sun
Manchester United fans have reacted with sadness at the news, claiming that the Paul Scholes cameo has been a highlight at Old Trafford over the last few years.

“It was always terribly exciting, wondering when exactly he’d scythe down an opponent before springing to his feet to point at a ball that definitely hadn’t changed direction in the slightest.”

“The ‘needless Paul Scholes booking’ has become as much a part of Manchester United folklore as Ferguson’s time-keeping and referee intimidation.”

“He’ll be sorely missed.”

NT

The Game's Afoot

HERCULE Poirot has been asked to deduce why that thing in the news about Fifa matters in the slightest.

'You make a fascinating point about Herr Blatter, Lady Mary - if only it wasn't a lot of bollocks'

The master detective was hired by groups of baffled readers who have spent the last three days wondering why anything about Fifa is not confined to the back of one of those ghastly newspapers they would never be seen dead with.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: "Allegations of financial corruption can be very serious so I thought I'd better double-check what 'FIFA' stands for. Turns out that second 'F' does not stand for 'Food' or 'Freedom' or even 'Fannies'.

"Turns out it stands for 'Football'. And that's when I had to call in Monsieur Poirot."

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: "It seems there is an allegation that some people from Qatar 'bought' the right to invite some professional footballers to their country in 11 years time.

"So unbelievably gigantic what? And think carefully before you answer because I've got the man who unravelled the Murder on the Orient Express here."

Bill McKay, from Grantham, said: "Who cares whether it's 'bought'. The players are all bought. Should Wayne Beckham play for the club that pays the most for him or the club that 'deserves' him the most?

"And so what if 'ordinary people pay a lot of money to watch football'. It's not like it's a tax. Who gives a monkey's tuppence?

"If it turns out some middle manager at Hotpoint has been fiddling his expenses does that mean you deserve a refund on your tumble dryer?

"And before you open your dreary mouth, I once again draw your attention to the oddly-mustachioed, diminutive Belgian genius."

Poirot, who will be assisted in his inquiries by incorruptible English person, Captain Arthur Hastings, added: "If you are to be Hercule Poirot, you must think of everything.  It is the brain, the little grey cells on which one must rely. One must seek the truth within, not without.

"That said, I did read the Guardian this morning and thought, 'fucking hell, this just doesn't matter'."

DMash

Scholes Retires

PAUL SCHOLES CAREER STATISTICS:

• 676 Man Utd appearances, 150 goals
• 66 England caps, 14 goals
• Premier League winner: 1996, 1997, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011
• FA Cup: 1996, 1999, 2004
• Champions League: 2008
• League Cup: 2009, 2010
• PFA Team of the Year: 2003, 2007
• 18th highest scorer in Premier League history (102 goals)
• 4th most booked player in Premier League history (87 times)

Tottenham to Hold Firm

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp says none of his top players will be sold this summer, but midfielder Luka Modric has refused to rule out a move.  Modric, linked with Manchester United, and Gareth Bale are prime targets.  

Redknapp said: "The chairman and I have discussed this and we have no intention of selling any of them."

But Modric told the Croatian newspaper Jutarnji List: "If an offer comes which is good for Tottenham and for me also, then a transfer is possible."

Having reached the Champions League quarter-finals last season, Redknapp has warned that selling prize assests such as Modric, 25, would undermine his long-term project of making the club top-four regulars.

Speaking about the club's key men, he added: "They are at a top club and we are looking to improve the squad in the summer, not weaken it, in order to push for a Champions League place again next season."

Croatia playmaker Modric's tireless work and creativity in the centre of midfield would make him a plausible option for United after Paul Scholes's retirement.

Speaking before Croatia's Euro 2012 qualifier against Georgia , Modric said: "Everybody wants to know what will happen with me. I'm trying to stay calm, as my national team has a really important match coming.

"So I will tell you the same as always - my club status is the same as it was before."

He added: "That doesn't mean that I'm bothered with leaving Tottenham. I'm not thinking about that every hour and every minute.

"I'm happy at White Hart Lane - my status is great, the fans like me and I do have everything I need. But then again, when you experience playing in the Champions League, you want to keep playing in this tournament."

Spurs embarked on a policy of tying their stars down on long-term deals last year. Bale signed a new four-and-a-half year contract in March and Modric penned a six-year deal towards the end of last season.

Redknapp is closing in on his first signing of the summer, with Tottenham understood to be in talks with former Aston Villa goalkeeper Brad Friedel about a potential two-year deal.

Friedel is out of contract following his spell at Villa Park and Redknapp wants to sign the 40-year-old to provide the erratic Heurelho Gomes with competition next season.

Redknapp is also in talks with Jonathan Woodgate about the possibility of offering the injury-plagued defender a pay-as-you-play contract. The former Leeds defender is the only senior player out of contract at the club this summer.

On-loan reserve goalkeeper Stipe Pletikosa will leave the club at the end of next month after failing to establish himself at Tottenham.

BBC

As Always, Too Little Too Late...

Fifa's growing army of critics will no doubt welcome today's statement from the Football Association chairman David Bernstein calling for a postponement of Sepp Blatter's re-election.

Having already decided to abstain, the FA has now gone one step further, disregarding neutrality and lining up as a clear opponent of the Fifa president.

Given the level of criticism being directed at Blatter and Fifa from the English media, the FA was under pressure to make a stand.

But, while they have guaranteed themselves good headlines, their last minute move is likely to end up as nothing more than an empty gesture.

Even from those countries still angry at last December's World Cup bidding decisions, there was an indifferent response.

One American delegate told me privately: "They have left it too late - again. The time to do all this was weeks ago. If they wanted to make a stand, that's fine, but 24 hours before the congress is useless."

Another source told me that this was another classic example of the FA misunderstanding how they are perceived in world football.

And the risk is that this will lead to the FA being more isolated.

Of far greater significance is the latest statement from one of Fifa's top sponsors expressing concern at the crisis engulfing Fifa.

Emirates, who pay over $100m (£60.6m) for the right to be one of Fifa's six top tier partners, joined Coca Cola and Adidas in calling for Fifa to sort out the mess.

This is likely to make Blatter and Fifa far more anxious than Bernstein's statement - no matter how well it might play with the English audience.

BBC

Djokovic's Run to End?

Roger Federer defeated home favourite Gael Monfils in straight sets to tee up a mouth-watering semi-final against Novak Djokovic at the French Open.

This could well see Djokovic's winning steak of 43 straight victories come to end.  I hope not, but it's going to be a tough one.

*yay*

Much delving into YouTube's help forum and messing around, results in finding a solution to our auto-mute problem being resolved.  Dead chuffed.  :o)

Popular

If all the cups used at Starbucks over the course of a year were laid end-to-end they would reach to the moon and back.

I don't like coffee and I like Starbucks even less.  No one tells me what size to call small, medium or large.

Wot's Up?

For some reason every YouTube video I open plays back without volume.  Speakers are fine (Ian Dury currently doing his thing in the background) but when the vid pops up, the speaker icon is set to mute and I can't figure out how to re-set it.

Answers in a postcard to...

Late Again

I'd like to say it's my (sore) throat that is the reason for the later than usual start to the day but that isn't quite true.  I'm not convinced the tablets are that effective and so reverted to more homoeopathic alternatives.

The Chang seems to have worked a treat as I've had the best night's kip in a week.  :o)

Dilbert

No Poo, Poirot

A Harvard University study, conducted in 1992 found that 54% of the time, subjects would rather lie, than give out personal information to a stranger.

What's so startling about that?  The amount of tall stories around a bar from fellow travellers is astounding.  I mean, a five year holiday?  Come off it.  :o)

Blue Barnsley

Plod in Barnsley, south Yorkshire, have been told to monitor the language of people out shopping, eating or merely relaxing in the town centre.  If the member of the public is heard to swear and the profanity is judged to be potentially causing offence or intimidation, the officers have been told to intervene.

The first option is simply to tell the individual to moderate his or her language but if that is unsuccessful, the officer can fine the person a maximum of £80.

Members of the public* have also been asked to report offensive and intimidating language, including swearing. 

The fines are a part of a series of monthly campaigns aimed at tackling different types of anti-social behaviour.

So, can we expect arrests made at football matches- for the players?   More at TTel

*We call this grassing on your neighbours and people still think this isn't a "big brother" society?

Flying Pigs

Traffic wardens in Southampton are to strike over pay, which could lead to hundreds of drivers taking advantage of "free" parking and the loss of thousands of pounds in revenue for the council.  An estimated £100 000 will be lost by the authority.

The wardens from Southampton City Council, who are members of Unite and Unison Unions, are to walk out on today, Tuesday 31st May and plan on taking several days of strike action.



A spokesbod bluffed that managers could step in for the 33 enforcement officers expected to take industrial action (what, managers leave their cosy offices?), which could mean that parking tickets will be issued.  However, he also said that the council hoped that motorists would be honest and pay for their parking.

BWAWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA...  :oD 

Yeah, right, that's surely going to happen.

Fortnight Down

Can't believe that we've been back in Bangkok for two weeks already and if we were here on a standard 30 day visa, we'd be half way through.  Luckily we've got a longer visa and can still look forward to another six weeks.  *yay*

Can do no Wrong

FIFA has solemnly declared that Sepp Blatter is at one with the Holy Spirit, immune from wrongdoing and incapable of sin.

Blatter had been accused of allowing corruption to go unchecked within the organisation but FIFA has proclaimed that a blasphemy and his accuser has now been eternally damned with excommunication.

“The Holy Spirit descends upon all our presidents on the night of their election,” a FIFA spokesman confirmed, “so Mr Blatter is utterly infallible and totally without sin”

“That may seem like a drawback when it comes to leading an organisation as corrupt as ours but it seems to work just fine for the Catholic Church, don’t you think?”

“And they say the Spirit of the Lord works in mysterious ways, so I’m sure it may have some chance of getting its holy head around what Sepp has been doing at FIFA.”

Comparisons

Followers have taken the declaration as Gospel and are now drawing comparisons between Blatter and his infallible counterpart at the Vatican.

“It’s unfair really,” Cardinal Nolberto Torres said, sympathetically. “It’s one thing being the Pope but the Holy Sepp’s in a whole other league because this makes Him the Pope for football.”

“Hopefully that’ll mean that He’s a Pope that the masses of Godless heathens and possibly even Rangers supporters can learn to love.”

“So let His light shine upon them.”
NT

Ears = Two

On average, when a woman from North America or Europe wears perfume she applies it to six different spots on her body.

Sticking to Chang

It seems I've been away from the UK for longer than I imagined as I can only recognise around half of the following list from ShortList:

1. HOPHEAD BY DARK STAR (3.8%)

“The Grateful Dead were always an acquired taste and their signature tune, Dark Star — a 25-minute jazz-rock wig-out — is just that,” says Charlie McVeigh. “It’s appropriate, then, that when Dead-Head Rob Jones began brewing a mysterious dark ale, he named it after that song. Later, branching out on his own in the cellar of The Evening Star in Brighton in 1994, Dark Star became the name of the nascent brewery, which still brews its eponymous award-winning beer. My favourite is Hophead, a fuller-bodied beer with notes of elderflower.”

2. BADGER GOLDEN CHAMPION BY HALL & WOODHOUSE (5%)

“This is the back-yard grill king,” says Pete Brown. “Brewed with a hint of elderflower, Golden Champion provides a delicate perfume just above your palate. It tastes of summer evenings over the barbecue and has the body to stand up beautifully to chargrilled meat.”

3. BUDVAR YEAST (5%)

“Brits have grown blasé about Budvar,” says McVeigh. “We forget that this ancient brewery was purchased by the Czech government to preserve its unique brewing heritage and, as a result, is impervious to market pressure to ‘dumb down’. Many people also don’t realise that Budvar is lagered (cold-conditioned to smooth the taste) for 90 days, which is unusual. The unpasteurised, unfiltered Budvar Yeast is a class act — though it only has a shelf-life of 28 days.”

4. BERNARD UNFILTERED BY BERNARD (5.1%)

“I occasionally wish that some people were more open-minded than just asking for a ‘pint of lager’, but they are forgiven if they go for this unpasteurised lager, which is full of flavour,” says Tony Lennon. “This is our bestseller when we can get our hands on it. Bernard also brews a dark lager, pilsner and a light beer, all of which are great brews.”

5. LONDON PALE ALE BY MEANTIME (4.3%)

“One of my favourite beer stories is the origin of India pale ale,” says McVeigh. “This hoppy brew was originally created in the 19th century to water British troops in India. Our mild, pro-biotic ales couldn’t survive the weeks at sea, so brewers upped the hop content, creating a robust beer that survived the voyage. Brewing hero Alastair Hook has done his homework and this is as good as any execution of the style. Perfect with a hot curry.”

6. TEXAS RANGER BARREL AGED BY MIKKELLER (6.6%)

“Mikkeller is brewed by an eccentric and mysterious Danish guy who travels from brewery to brewery in Denmark, the UK and US ‘contract brewing’,” says Lennon. “He’s a specialist in dark, hoppy beers, such as this tasty porter which features the smoky heat of chipotle peppers rounded by the vanilla and oak notes of bourbon barrels.”

7. OLA DUBH 40 BY HARVIESTOUN (8%)

"Scottish brewery Harviestoun has pioneered the renaissance of craft brewing north of the border,” says McVeigh. “This fortified, inky brew is an extreme example of the brewer’s art. Ola Dubh (‘black oil’) starts life as Old Engine Oil: a dry 6% stout. Seeking a more complex drink, Harviestoun decants the stout into a Highland Park 40-year-old whisky barrel. “It eventually emerges as Ola Dubh 40, a decadent, port-like beer.”

8. CAMDEN PALE ALE BY CAMDEN TOWN BREWERY (4.5%)

“This beer from one of London’s newest and most exciting breweries is available in both cask and keg format,” says Brown. “The cask is good, but the perfectly judged carbonation in the keg lifts out the fruity aromas. It’s worth coming to London for, wherever you live.”

9. HOOKY DARK BY HOOK NORTON (3.2%)

“Situated in the village of Hook in Oxfordshire, this Victorian brewery has been creating contemporary versions of old favourites, with Hooky Dark leading the way,” says Jon Howard. “Having recently won bronze at the Brewing Industry International Awards, this has a complex malt and hop aroma, and a long, hoppy finish, unusual for a mild.”

10. CROP CIRCLE BY HOP BACK (4.2%)

“A groundbreaking brewery that started life in the cellar of The Wyndham Arms in Salisbury,” says Howard. “Crop Circle embodies the sun-drenched season with its slight citrus taste. Available in bottles as well as draught, its golden appearance and subtle flavours make it ideal for evenings in the beer garden.”

11. ORGANIC BEST BITTER BY ST PETER’S (4.1%)

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” says Pierpaolo Petrassi. “The chariot barley is Soil Association accredited and organically grown, and the water comes from St Peter’s own source beneath the brewery. The result is a refreshing and full-bodied bitter that’s ideal for picnics.”

12. OLD RUBY ALE 1905 BY DUCHY ORIGINALS (5%)

“Brewed at the Wychwood Brewery in Witney, Oxfordshire, this deliciously robust blend is produced using barley from selected organic farms, including an English variety first used in 1905 called Plumage Archer,” says Petrassi. “It’s rich-tasting while maintaining elegance and balance.”

13. INDIA PALE ALE BY GOOSE ISLAND (5.9%)

“Replicating an English-style IPA is quite a mean feat when you’re based in Illinois, but it’s precisely what Goose Island has done,” says Howard. “If the aroma of bitter oranges and spicy hops doesn’t win you over, the range of fruit and bitter edge of the hops on the palate will. You’ll fail to find worthy superlatives for it on a balmy summer evening.”

14. KIPLING BY THORNBRIDGE BREWERY (5.2%)

“Best known for Jaipur, which has won more beer festival awards than any other ale since its 2005 launch, Thornbridge is fast becoming the classiest brewer in Britain,” says Brown. “Kipling is Jaipur’s younger brother, and is a tropical fruit salad with a tart finish. It combines the refreshment of lager with an ale’s body.”

15. ABBOT ALE BY GREENE KING (5%)

“Smooth, fruity and refreshing, with a depth of flavour that makes it a perfect match for full-flavoured foods,” says Petrassi. “The Greene King brewery is situated next to the historic ruins of the Bury St Edmunds’ Great Abbey and still draws water from the chalk wells used in brewing as far back as 1086. Crystal malts give Abbot its rich malty taste while First Gold, Fuggles and Challenger hops add a tangy, bitter dimension to the biscuity finish.”

16. MANCHESTER BITTER BY MARBLE (4.2%)

“A superb British bitter from a brewery highly regarded for its innovative beers,” says Howard. “For the best experience, nip into The Marble Arch in Manchester, where the brewery is housed. You’ll be taken aback by its strong, fruity, hop aromas, faultless golden colour and finely balanced bitterness on the palate and in the finish. Who said bitter was boring?”

17. ARTISAN GOLD BY BOWLAND BREWERY (5.7%)

“A golden ale matured and finished using the traditional champagne-making method, resulting in a drink that combines the sparkle of an over-excited debutante with the poise and elegance of a true aristocrat,” says Brown. “Worth every penny of the £15.99 price tag for a 750ml cork and foil-wrapped champagne bottle.”

18. HEFEWEIZEN BY WEST (5.2%)

“West is a microbrewery based in Glasgow, and is a lovely place to visit if you’re up in Scotland,” says Lennon. “We’ve had its Hefeweizen keg on recently at The Euston Tap and it’s something special — a light, cloudy, fluffy, summery wheat beer and a SIBA (Society of Independent Brewers’ Association) award-winner.”

19. DOPPELMALZ BY SCHREMSER (4.6%)

“The picturesque Schrems brewery in the Austrian Waldviertel, just south of the Czech border, was founded in 1380, and is characterised by an obsessive regard for quality and tradition,” says McVeigh. “All malt and hops used are grown locally. Doppelmalz is a ‘double-malted’ beer with a creamy, fruity brew.”

20. PUNK IPA BY BREWDOG (5.6%)

“BrewDog is an Aberdeen-based brewery responsible for some of the most daring beers currently available,” says Lennon. “This lightish India pale ale is proving extremely popular, and at 5.6% is one of the more sessionable IPAs out there. For me, it’s currently the best experimental brewery, and it’s well worth seeking out any of its beers.”

How Odd

The 10 most pointless rules in sport

The place where logic is a stranger

As any self-respecting kid knows, rules are a right pain in the posterior. Generally implemented by petty bureacrats, little Hitlers and killjoy parents, it would appear that they’re only designed to extract fun from whatever activity they’re meant to be governing.
In the realm of sport, this seems to be magnified to the point of absurdity. Who on earth legislates such nonsense as injured players having to leave the field of play while their assailants are allowed to stay on?

Of course, one look at the folk who run sport - yes, Sepp Blatter we’re talking about you – and suddenly these inexplicable rules suddenly begin to make some sort of random sense.

Have a look at the following classic head scratchers: every single last one of them resembles a broken pencil. Pointless.
Pictures: Getty Images, Rex Features

1. Taken off for treatment… in football

Fifa rules state that a player must leave the pitch if in need of treatment for an injury – which can easily tempt a nervous team into ankle-stamping the opposition’s best player minutes before the whistle. Those precious seconds waiting for the ref to bring him back on could prove vital.

2. No concessions for disabled people… in golf

American Casey Martin was no world-class golfer, but in the late 90s he was doing reasonably well on the PGA’s minor league Nike Tour. Martin had a birth defect in his leg attributed to Klippel Trenaunay Weber syndrome, which made walking painful. But the PGA wouldn’t let him use a golf cart to get round. So he sued them.

3. No coaching mid-match… in tennis

Think of every sport and you’ll see a ranting manager or trainer somewhere on the sidelines. Except tennis, where players are banned from conversing with the man who takes 15 per cent. Even toilet breaks are escorted, to ensure the rule isn’t broken.

4. Not being allowed to “over-celebrate”… in football

In a career that spanned over 500 matches, Alan Hansen scored just 14 goals. True, he was a defender, but had the day ever come that the dour Scot popped one in for his national team (0 goals from 26 games), he’d have gone absolutely bananas. And if playing today, probably booked.

5. Rain meaning a draw… in cricket

In one day international cricket, a no-result – technically the same as a draw – is called if rain stops play and the second team to bat have faced less than 20 overs of the allotted 50. Even if they’ve failed to score a single run.

6. No spike repairs allowed… in golf

You can move a stone, you can move a blade of straw, but if there’s a gaping hole from another man’s spikes between your ball and the hole on the green, rule 16-1c says leave it – which is often bad news for leaderboarders going out last.

7. No jockeys over 9 stone… in horse-racing

Frankie Dettori has publicly lambasted the Jockey Association for not raising the minimum weight limit for jockeys: he claims it makes being a pro almost impossible for all but the handful of men who are naturally around 8 stone. "I took Lasix, pee pills, diuretics, laxatives; all sorts," he once said of his efforts to stay tiny. Bulimia amongst jockeys is said to be rife.

8. A designated hitter… in baseball

The pitcher in baseball is like the teacher’s pet, and since 1974, he doesn’t have to bat thanks to an absurd ruling that allows him to name someone else to take his turn.

9. Dress code even when you’re not playing… in basketball

The NBA stipulates that all players must wear what it describes as ‘Business casual’ for all team or league events. Which means – and this is all down in writing – no sunglasses indoors, no headphones, no T-shirts, and no jewellery worn over the clothing.

10. Signing your scorecard… in golf

Positively littered with archaic rules, golf manages to outdo itself with the one about having to mark and sign your own scorecard. Even if you’re Tiger Woods and 100 million people around the world have just seen you shoot a 68 on the final round of the US Masters, it doesn’t count if you don’t submit a correct and signed scorecard to officials. You're disqualified.

Nice Trick Shot

Traveller's Tip # 135

Need an egg cup for your boiled egg and soldiers?

Just use a shot glass (if too deep, chuck in some bog paper in the bottom).

Ta-da.

Hands Off

'Scuse the formatting, but this is the whole table of UK products that are protected by the EU.  From here.

GB/PGI/0005/00807	United Kingdom	New Season Comber Potatoes / Comber Earlies	PGI	14/05/2011	Published
GB/PGI/0005/00876	United Kingdom	Stornoway Black Pudding	PGI	03/05/2011	Applied
UK/PGI/0005/0715	United Kingdom	Traditional Cumberland Sausage	PGI	22/03/2011	Registered
GB/PGI/0005/00863	United Kingdom	Scottish Wild Salmon	PGI	07/03/2011	Applied
UK/PGI/0005/0796	United Kingdom	Lough Neagh Eel	PGI	15/02/2011	Published
UK/PDO/0005/0737	United Kingdom	Native Shetland Wool	PDO	12/02/2011	Published
GB/PDO/0005/00856	United Kingdom	Isle of Man Queenies	PDO	08/02/2011	Applied
GB/TSG/0007/00839	United Kingdom	Watercress	TSG	06/12/2010	Applied
UK/TSG/0007/0024	United Kingdom	Traditionally Farmed Gloucestershire Old Spots Pork	TSG	29/07/2010	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0727	United Kingdom	Cornish Pasty	PGI	14/07/2010	Published
UK/PDO/0005/0633	United Kingdom	Yorkshire Forced Rhubarb	PDO	25/03/2010	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0589	United Kingdom	Cornish Sardines	PGI	03/03/2010	Registered
UK/TSG/0005/0059	United Kingdom	Traditional Pasture Reared Beef	TSG	10/02/2010	Applied
UK/PGI/0005/0132	United Kingdom	Traditional Grimsby Smoked Fish	PGI	22/10/2009	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0792	United Kingdom	Armagh Bramley Apples	PGI	16/10/2009	Applied
UK/PGI/0005/0335	United Kingdom	Melton Mowbray Pork Pie	PGI	30/06/2009	Registered
UK/PGI/0105/0141	United Kingdom	Scottish Farmed Salmon	PGI	03/12/2008	Registered
UK/TSG/0007/0057	United Kingdom	Traditional Bramley Apple Pie Filling	TSG	05/11/2008	Applied
UK/PDO/0005/0340	United Kingdom	Isle of Man Manx Loaghtan Lamb	PDO	03/04/2008	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0667	United Kingdom	West Country Lamb	PGI	21/12/2007	Applied
UK/PGI/0005/0668	United Kingdom	West Country Beef	PGI	21/12/2007	Applied
UK/PDO/0005/0652	United Kingdom	Yorkshire Wensleydale cheese	PDO	08/10/2007	Applied
UK/PDO/0005/0354	United Kingdom	Staffordshire Cheese	PDO	18/09/2007	Registered
UK/PGI/0117/0275	United Kingdom	Scotch Lamb	PGI	23/07/2004	Registered
UK/PGI/0117/0274	United Kingdom	Scotch Beef	PGI	01/07/2004	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0227	United Kingdom	Arbroath Smokies	PGI	02/03/2004	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0081	United Kingdom	Welsh lamb	PGI	16/07/2003	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0057	United Kingdom	Welsh Beef	PGI	22/11/2002	Registered
UK/TSG/0007/0021	United Kingdom	Traditional Grass fed Red Poll beef	TSG	30/04/2001	Applied
UK/TSG/0007/0004	United Kingdom	Traditional Farmfresh Turkey	TSG	07/07/2000	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0001	United Kingdom	Exmoor Blue Cheese	PGI	28/04/1999	Registered
UK/PGI/0005/0002	United Kingdom	Dorset Blue Cheese	PGI	23/12/1998	Registered
UK/PDO/0005/0014	United Kingdom	Cornish Clotted Cream	PDO	01/10/1998	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0285	United Kingdom	Teviotdale Cheese	PGI	21/01/1998	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0371	United Kingdom	Whitstable oysters	PGI	24/01/1997	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0276	United Kingdom	Shetland Lamb	PDO	23/11/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0027	United Kingdom	Jersey Royal potatoes	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0272	United Kingdom	Orkney beef	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0273	United Kingdom	Orkney lamb	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0277	United Kingdom	White Stilton cheese ; Blue Stilton cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0279	United Kingdom	West Country farmhouse Cheddar cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0280	United Kingdom	Beacon Fell traditional Lancashire cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0281	United Kingdom	Single Gloucester	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0282	United Kingdom	Swaledale cheese ; Swaledale ewes´ cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0284	United Kingdom	Bonchester cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0287	United Kingdom	Buxton blue	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PDO/0017/0300	United Kingdom	Dovedale cheese	PDO	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0290	United Kingdom	Gloucestershire cider/perry	PGI	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0291	United Kingdom	Worcestershire cider/perry	PGI	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0292	United Kingdom	Herefordshire cider/perry	PGI	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0296	United Kingdom	Kentish ale and Kentish strong ale	PGI	21/06/1996	Registered
UK/PGI/0017/0373	United Kingdom	Rutland Bitter	PGI	21/06/1996	Registered

I haven't heard of half them...