Sticking the Pins In

ACUPUNCTURE has been shown to be extremely effective amongst people who have nothing wrong with them.

It works best if you jab them right into your eyes

An academic study has shown that the majority of patients reporting mystery symptoms stopped pretending they had them when someone poked at them with a cocktail stick.

Carlisle-based malingerer, Wayne Hayes, said: "For years I've been infesting my doctor's surgery complaining about a sort of back pain, sort of heat rash kind of thing.

"But after just four sessions of being stabbed in the face, I've completely knocked it on the head.

"I have loads more energy and feel much better 'in myself'.

"I think this is mainly down to the fact I no longer wish to be stabbed in the face."

Experts stressed that acupuncture, like murder and lying, has existed for thousands of years and works on the fundamental Chinese principle that if it hurts it must be working.

Practising acupuncturist and Carlisle-based charlatan, Wayne Hayes, said: "The body is divided into 763 sections, each one based on an episode of Casualty, and with 13 'meridians' based on the 13 series of Holby City.

"It feels good to finally say that out loud."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "To truly assess the efficacy of acupuncture a widespread double-blind test needs to be conducted over a series of years but to be honest it's the equivalent of mapping the DNA of pixies or conducting a geological study of Narnia."

DMash