16 things that are always awkward, according to FHM:
16/ Ski boots
Skiing: a sport intrinsically elegant, classy and stylish. All those beautiful people swooping in snow is enough to make you want to sell your family and take it up full time. But then: boots. Shiny lumps of doom that scrape away flesh like a butcher deboning a leg of lamb.
15/ Going to a restaurant you’re clearly not good enough to be in
“Here’s your main course. sir. Poached Cornish ling, lemongrass and ginger, broccoli and button mushroom, bergamot lemon gel.” “Um, have you got any ketchup? Or chips? Or bread?”
14/ Looking at pictures of your mate’s new girlfriend
The problem is, you see, there’s no correct response. Call her “attractive” and you’ll get a punch in the face. Act unimpressed and your pal will cry. Accidentally look guilty and he’ll assume you’ve seen her naked. “Sorry mate, I’m dying,” is probably your safest bet.
13/ Being told that the person’s watch/ring/bracelet you were taking the piss out of belonged to their deceased relative
That’s weird, I just told Sam he looks like a people trafficker with that ring on and he didn’t come back at me. Maybe he’s not feeling well. What’s that look for? It’s his brother’s ring? Hey, but isn’t his brother dea…ohhhh. Shit.
12/ Trying to introduce two people when you’ve forgotten both their names
The guy on my left is definitely called Tom. Tom something. Hmm. And that’s Matt coming towards us. Or is it Mike? He looks like a Mike. Balls. “So, have you guys met?”
11/ Cuddling on the sofa for the duration of a two hour movie
Oh sure, let’s cuddle. Let’s find that perfect, cosy embrace that puts just enough pressure on my lower spine to make me want to leave you forever. If this film doesn’t finish soon, I will pee on you like an old cat.
10/ Discussing what you want out of life in the kitchen at work
“Me? Long term? Well long term I’d like to work for myself. Doing what? Not sure really, just… stuff. I’d like to travel a bit before I have kids, but I’m worried I’m running out of time. I just really don’t want to do this for the next 25 years. Ha ha! And I don’t want my girlfriend to leave me. Two sugars?”
9/ Borrowing money
And there goes your relationship with your Dad, because the £10,000 he lent you to get your new ‘business’ up and running went on ketamine and a massive, now totally obsolete telly. These days you just sit at home rocking backwards and forwards wondering why he never calls. That wanker. Ever heard the word “recession”, Dad?
8/ A boss who thinks he’s funny but isn’t
“HAHHAHHAHHA (think of the money) GOOD ONE CHIEF!!! (Appraisals are coming up, not long now) You’re so right, my sister is a massive slag who slept with the entire crew of HMS Daring.”
7/ The first poo at a new girlfriend’s…
The morning after the night before. Things are going well. Then the rumblings of an evening of fine dining kick in. Cue a terrifying 20 minutes in her bathroom spent hovering over the toilet like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, with the shower on full blast as you deposit your cargo onto a bed of bog roll and fan the stench out the window with her fluffiest hand towel.
6/ Accidentally touching the breast of someone you’ve just been introduced to
Yep, she noticed. Hard not to when a clumsy oaf with paddles for hands inadvertently prods you there. Christ, could this be more awkward? Dangerous question. Turns out, attempting to salvage the situation by cupping a boob in each hand and doing the old “How d’you weigh breasts?” gag has just made it worse. Much, much worse.
5/ Receiving praise
“Well done.” Cringe. “Congratulations, you should be so proud of yourself.” Bite lip. “You’re a credit to your family.” Turn red, bite lip off and cringe yourself into a fit. Honestly, it would be less awkward if they just called you a wanker and slapped you instead.
4/ Parents threatening their children with violence in public
“If you don’t farrrking put that chocolate down and get ova here naaaah, I’m gonna farrrking kill ya!” Well, in her defence, she hasn’t touched him yet. Although, those bruises on his head say otherwise. Just look at something else and walk past. Ooh, a fat pigeon!
3/ Pretending you enjoyed the church service bit of a wedding
Smiling like an idiot: Check. Sharp intake of breath on seeing how beautiful the bride is: Check. Unnerving feeling that Jesus himself is staring into your soul and can see that you’ve set your phone to vibrate and are pressing it against your bollocks to stop yourself falling asleep: Check.
2/ Explaining the concept of death to a child
“One day, a long time from now, you’ll go to sleep just like you always do, but this time you’ll never wake up. You won’t dream, you won’t wake up needing the toilet, it will just be nothingness. No more pain, no more scuffed knees or worries about paying the mortgage, it’ll just be what Daddy calls ‘the sweet release of death’.”
1/ Having a tradesman in your house
As he saunters in from his butch van, your voice rises several octaves. On the plus side, only 20 minutes of pretending to know what he’s on about till you can hide in your room while he fixes stuff. You’re like the Anne Frank of plumbing.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Handy Tips From FHM
1/ Laser head
If you’re standing in the kitchen and want to change the TV channel, put the remote under you chin, pointing upwards. Your noggin acts as a parabolic reflector and directs some extra energy into the beam. Scary.2/ See in the dark
If you wake up in the dark needing a wee, cover one eye with your hand before you turn the light on and leave it there until you finish and turn the light off again. The covered eye will retain its ability to see in the dark.3/ Get free wi-fi at airports
Bored? Plane delayed? Steal internet. If you’re in an airport that has pay-for wi-fi, just try adding ‘?.jpg’ at the end of any URL. You’ll be able to view pages that allow images to go through without a redirect – for free.4/ Free phone charger
If you lose your phone charger, don’t buy another from that odd man who has a stall in town on a Saturday. Visit a large hotel and say you left it there, instead. Chargers are the number one item left behind in rooms. Worth a shot eh?FJM.
The "A" Team Save Christmas
In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The A-Team…
Der-de-der-der, da-da-dah, etc etc.
Der-de-der-der, da-da-dah, etc etc.
Good News For Us?
Customers in Asia are set to get more low-cost flight options with the arrival of new budget carriers in Malaysia and Thailand.
This month has seen two major carriers confirm their intention to compete with budget airlines such as AirAsia, which dominates travel in the ASEAN region from its hub in Malaysia at Kuala Lumpur's dedicated low-cost terminal.
First off, Malaysia Airlines announced an aggressive expansion plans for its budget subsidiary Firefly, promising that it would fly larger planes more economically than AirAsia.
It will adjust its routes to reflect its new strategy, said the company's boss Eddy Leong, launching new services to Kuching and Kota Kinabalu in Malaysia and will add more planes to its destinations in Singapore, Thailand and Indonesia.
It also plans to make it easier for passengers to connect with Malaysia Airlines flights, in the same way that AirAsia is fed by its longhaul carrier AirAsia X.
Thailand's flag carrier Thai Airways also confirmed this week that it would launch its new low-cost carrier Thai Tiger in May 2011, three months later than planned but still in time for the busy summer season.
The airline is set to expand the routes already offered in Thailand from Thai Airways and the smaller carrier Nok Air, as well as adding new low-cost options internationally.
After a slow start, aviation analysts predict that the low-cost carrier market in Asia is set to boom in the coming years, rivalling the booming budget industry that now exists in Europe and the US.
This Winds Me Up
A tipping guide from our American cousins over the "holiday season". I can't believe this is expected- nearly as much as I can't believe they don't call it Christmas. Anyway, another gem from CNN:
Spoilt Wankers - Give to Savong School and Orphange Instead.
Nannies, personal trainers and even dog walkers might possibly nab tips in the hundreds of dollars...though it's certainly not required.
How much...and how to give
Spoilt Wankers - Give to Savong School and Orphange Instead.
Nannies, personal trainers and even dog walkers might possibly nab tips in the hundreds of dollars...though it's certainly not required.
"You tip the people who perform services for you year-round, who are there for you when you need them and whom you have a valuable relationship with," said Peter Post, director of the Emily Post Institute and author of Essential Manners for Couples.
Linda Sondik, a personal trainer at New York Sports Club, said that one woman who tipped her in the hundreds had set a difficult goal at the beginning of the summer and reached it by Christmas.
"It was really emotional for both of us," said Sondik, adding that when tips far exceed the norm, it's often because a relationship with a client has become very intimate.
Extraordinary holiday generosity is great, but etiquette experts emphasized that tipping isn't designed to put you in debt.
"Forget about what you ought to do. Do what you can, and do it in the nicest way you possibly can," Post said.
Tipping experts said, and tip recipients implied, that cash is the best way to say happy holidays.
Hilka Klinkenberg, founder of Etiquette International, once gave one of her doormen CDs because they had often discussed opera, while the other men received cash. "He looked at me crestfallen," she said. "Tipping is not a time to try and be original."
Whether we tip with a song or a grumble, handing over the envelope should be done graciously.
Klinkenberg said to also include a short note thanking the recipient for their hard work, and to give the tip in person whenever possible.
Other tipping tips include
- If you frequent a restaurant daily, it's a good idea to tip your regular waiter. An extra $5 in a card is a kind gesture at your regular lunch spot, while at the Four Seasons you could shell out $40-$50, plus similar amounts to the maitre d and captain.
- Don't forget the snowplow man. He comes when you're in a bind, every year, every time it snows.
- You don't have to give as much to the new hairdresser, doorman, etc. because you haven't forged a relationship with them yet.
- Alcohol is not recommended. Just because you may enjoy the extra splash of cheer, it might not be right for someone else.
Otherwise, when in doubt, follow the table below.
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Monkey Scoff
Lopburi’s annual monkey feast sparks a feeding frenzy, after the macaque-infested Thai town laid out thousands of kilos of treats for the hungry little creatures to scran.
Cringe Worthy
Rowan Somerville, the Irish author, has narrowly beaten the former Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell to win this year’s Bad Sex in Fiction Award. Somerville was crowned overall winner of the prize, which celebrates crude or outlandish sexual passages in modern literature, for his second novel, The Shape of Her.
The judges said they were particularly taken with the sentence: “Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.” Other amorous passages contained a female body part “upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night” and described how one character “twisted onto her belly like a fish flipping itself”. Somerville said:
Other previous winners have included the novelists Norman Mailer, Sabastian Faulks and Tom Wolfe.
The judges said they were particularly taken with the sentence: “Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.” Other amorous passages contained a female body part “upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night” and described how one character “twisted onto her belly like a fish flipping itself”. Somerville said:
“What an honour to share a list with Jonathan Franzen and Christos Tsiolkas. There is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the entire nation I would like to thank you.”
Other previous winners have included the novelists Norman Mailer, Sabastian Faulks and Tom Wolfe.
Hot Air By the Hour
Bill Clinton holds the record for both longest time for delivering a single State of the Union address (one hour twenty seven minutes fourteen seconds) and the highest average time (one hour six minute seven seconds).
Yawn...
Yawn...
Upminster, Just Short of Barking
A poll of 2 000 UK adults concluded that 44% were convinced of the existence of extra-terrestrial life, with men more likely to believe after 46% answered the survey saying humans are not alone. A third of those questioned said we should try and make contact with other life forms co-existing in the universe.
Luckily, 28% still remain sane and rule out the existence of alien life altogether.
Luckily, 28% still remain sane and rule out the existence of alien life altogether.
Must Do Better- See Me After Class
A head teacher has been forced to apologise after a school report was sent to a parent containing 14 spelling and grammatical errors. The form tutor sent the ''shocking'' email to the parents of a pupil in her class at Gleed Girls' Technology College, in Spalding.
Some of the mistakes seem to be typing errors made in haste, such as "requriements" and "everning", but others, such as "boardering" and "occaisions" indicate just plain ignorance.
The school report errors are revealed days after the Education Secretary, called for teachers to clamp down on poor spelling and grammar. :o)
TTel.
Like Father Like Son
The Duke of Pork's candid comments about British fraud investigators, the French and corruption in Kyrgyzstan have been disclosed in a leaked diplomatic cable via WikiLeaks. TTel highlights the most eye-catching phrases from the colourful dispatch. The comments were reported by Tatania Gfoeller, the United States’ envoy to Kyrgyzstan, who sent a secret cable to Washington on Oct 29 2008.
The 'Rude' Prince
"Astonishingly candid, the discussion at times verged on the rude (from the British side)."
A long brunch
"Originally scheduled to last an hour over brunch, the briefing ended up lasting two hours, thanks to the super-engaged Prince’s pointed questions."
'Unmitigated patriotic fervour'
"The representative of the British owner of Kyrgyzneftigas ... (said) that a Kyrgyz shareholder was now suing the company, saying that his 'human rights' were being violated by the terms of his shareholders’ agreement. The Prince reacted with unmitigated patriotic fervour."
'The rough with the smooth'
"When participants explained that some Kyrgyz feel that they were 'unfairly' led in the 1990s to sign unfavourable contracts with Westerners, he (the Prince) evinced no sympathy. 'A contract is a contract,' he insisted. 'You have to take the rough with the smooth'."
Corruption discussions
"After having half-heartedly danced around the topic for a bit, only mentioning “personal interests” in pointed fashion, the business representatives then plunged into describing what they see as the appallingly high state of corruption in the Kyrgyz economy."
'Astonishing display of candour'
"In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen ... chorused that nothing gets done in Kyrgyzstan if President Bakiyev’s son Maxim does not get 'his cut'."
Doing business 'in the Yukon'
"One businessman said that doing business here is 'like doing business in the Yukon' in the nineteenth century, I. e. Only those willing to participate in local corrupt practices are able to make any money.
'Sounds like France'
"Before all you heard was Akayev’s son’s name. Now it’s Bakiyev’s son’s name.” At this point the Duke of York laughed uproariously, saying that: 'All of this sounds exactly like France'.
Stealing 'while they can'
"The Ambassador stated that part of the problem with business conditions in Kyrgyzstan was the rapid turnover in government positions. Some reacted to their short tenures in a corrupt manner, wanting to 'steal while they can' until they were turned out of office."
'Mock groan'
"With a mock groan, the Duke of York then exclaimed: 'My God, what am I supposed to tell these people?!' More seriously, he invited his guests to suggest ways Kyrgyzstan’s economic prospects and attractiveness could be improved."
Returning to a 'favourite theme'
"Returning to what is obviously a favourite theme, Prince Andrew cracked: 'They won’t need to make any changes to attract the French either!'"
Turning 'thoughtful'
"Again turning thoughtful, the Prince mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption here. 'They themselves have to have a change of heart. Just like you have to cure yourself of anorexia. No one else can do it for you'."
Prince Andrew acting 'cockily'
"More animated than ever, he stated cockily: “And this time we aim to win!”
'Language I won’t use in front of ladies'
"Showing that he is an equal-opportunity Great Game player, HRH then turned to the topic of China. He recounted that when he had recently asked the President of Tajikistan what he thought of growing Chinese influence in Central Asia, the President had responded 'with language I won’t use in front of ladies'.
Just getting started
"The brunch had already lasted almost twice its allotted time, but the Prince looked like he was just getting started."
'Railing' at investigators
"He railed at British anti-corruption investigators, who had had the “idiocy” of almost scuttling the Al-Yamama deal with Saudi Arabia. "
Those journalists from The Guardian
"His mother’s subjects seated around the table roared their approval. He then went on to 'these (expletive) journalists, especially from the National Guardian, who poke their noses everywhere' and (presumably) make it harder for British businessmen to do business. The crowd practically clapped."
Capping off with a 'zinger'
"He then capped this off with a zinger: castigating 'our stupid (sic) British and American governments which plan at best for ten years whereas people in this part of the world plan for centuries.' There were calls of 'hear, hear' in the private brunch hall."
The 'cherished Prince'
"Unfortunately for the assembled British subjects, their cherished Prince was now late to the Prime Minister’s. He regretfully tore himself away from them and they from him. On the way out, one of them confided to the Ambassador: 'What a wonderful representative for the British people! We could not be prouder of our royal family!'
'Neuralgic patriotism'
"Prince Andrew reached out to the Ambassador with cordiality and respect, evidently valuing her insights. However, he reacted with almost neuralgic patriotism whenever any comparison between the United States and United Kingdom came up."
'Best geography teachers in the world'
"Snapped the Duke ... The Americans don’t understand geography. Never have. In the U.K., we have the best geography teachers in the world!" Safer to Walk
Incorrect first aid from by-standers accounts for 30% of fatalities from car accidents in the States.
Teacher's Pet
Eating fresh fruit and vegetables will not protect you from cancer as they have little effect compared with alcohol and obesity, a study has found. Official guidelines recommend at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day in order to be healthy but new research has found that this may not have a substantial effect on cancer. The science suggests that people should be told that cancer risk is much more related to how much you eat and drink rather than what you eat.
The review, published in the British Journal of Cancer, looks at a decade of evidence on the links between fruit and vegetables and the development of cancer, but it concludes that the evidence is still not convincing.
More at TTel.
The review, published in the British Journal of Cancer, looks at a decade of evidence on the links between fruit and vegetables and the development of cancer, but it concludes that the evidence is still not convincing.
More at TTel.
In the Red Until Dead
9 out of 10 people have run up unsecured debt and many fear they will never be able to pay back what they owe, a new survey has claimed.
More at TTel.
Around 89% of people aged between 18 and 35 said they owed money on a credit card, loan or overdraft, and a third of people admitted they did not think they would ever be debt-free. One in five of these people also claimed they were not worried about the possibility of their debts being passed on to their next of kin if they died before they were repaid.
Isn't that what having kids is all about?More at TTel.
Double Hard Bastards
Records from Japan's feudal period suggest that the average samurai lived to be 19, while the average ninja lived to be 37.
Bog Off, Britain
MILLIONS of Britons were finally told 'no' yesterday.
Arctic weather, a crumbling economy and an overwhelming sense of fuck off has compelled the government, major charities and the clergy to tell the UK to just sort it out for themselves.
Civil servant Wayne Hayes said: "If you are going to cry me a river about your unmet needs and unfulfilled desires then you'd better start learning how to build a canoe, because I don't give a shit.
"It's such a massive relief to finally be able to say that whatever little demand is currently bubbling up inside your head can be popped with a simple, two-letter pin called 'no'.
"Now if you don't mind I've got my own life to try and make slightly more bearable, so off you jolly well piss."
The country's teenagers have reacted badly to the news, but counselling will not be offered under any circumstances.
The Samaritans are taking extended annual leave and may not even come back, while police chiefs warned anyone making 999 calls because they lost their car keys or their cat is missing would be rounded up and vigorously kettled for six months in a field outside Carlisle as part of the 'Zero Tolerance For Your Bullshit' campaign.
Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, added: "If one reads the Bible, which I'm pretty confident I have and you haven't, there's very little doctrinal wriggle room for what constitutes acting the prick.
"So if you don't like it go and ask Richard Dawkins to organise jumble sales and put up with your moaning because I have had it."
While no official body has put a time scale on how long the answer will stay 'no', Hayes predicted it will remain in place until at least the 12th of Fuckyouary.
DMash.
It's your problem now, you dreary, stinking morons
Civil servant Wayne Hayes said: "If you are going to cry me a river about your unmet needs and unfulfilled desires then you'd better start learning how to build a canoe, because I don't give a shit.
"It's such a massive relief to finally be able to say that whatever little demand is currently bubbling up inside your head can be popped with a simple, two-letter pin called 'no'.
"Now if you don't mind I've got my own life to try and make slightly more bearable, so off you jolly well piss."
The country's teenagers have reacted badly to the news, but counselling will not be offered under any circumstances.
The Samaritans are taking extended annual leave and may not even come back, while police chiefs warned anyone making 999 calls because they lost their car keys or their cat is missing would be rounded up and vigorously kettled for six months in a field outside Carlisle as part of the 'Zero Tolerance For Your Bullshit' campaign.
Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, added: "If one reads the Bible, which I'm pretty confident I have and you haven't, there's very little doctrinal wriggle room for what constitutes acting the prick.
"So if you don't like it go and ask Richard Dawkins to organise jumble sales and put up with your moaning because I have had it."
While no official body has put a time scale on how long the answer will stay 'no', Hayes predicted it will remain in place until at least the 12th of Fuckyouary.
DMash.
Hole in One
BRITAIN'S geography teachers last night gave a thrilling demonstration of their academic prowess by getting out a big map and pointing to each of the places Prince Andrew has played golf.
The 10 best teachers gathered at the Royal Geographic Institute in London and took it in turns to sticks pins in a map of the world as the actor Samuel West read out the name of each golf club and spa resort.
In an effortless display, Britain's finest easily identified each of the venues where the prince has arrived by taxpayer funded private jet, played 36 holes and felt up a waitress before telling a local dignitary that his geography teachers are shit at their jobs.
Tom Logan, head of geography at Grantham Academy, said: "We began with the easy ones - St Andrews, Wentworth, Sandwich - because even though we are the best geography teachers in the world, it's not nice to show off all the time.
"Then I did Gleneagles. Now, everyone has heard of Gleneagles, but not that many people actually know where it is. Most would just stick a pin in the middle of the Highlands or think it's another name for Balmoral, but in fact it's just outside a little village called Auchterarder which is only about 40 miles north west of Edinburgh.
"Meanwhile Carnoustie probably sounds like it should be on a little windswept island where everyone speaks gaelic, but it's actually just outside Dundee."
Helen Archer, head of geography at St Ian's Comprehensive in Hatfield, said: "Some of the foreign ones were quite tricky. Obviously we did Pebble Beach and Augusta, but then we were sticking pins in the Eagleton Golf Resort in Bangalore, La Tahona Golf Club in Canelones, Uruguay, the Bandung Giri Gahana Golf Resort in Indonesia, the Awali Golf Club in Bahrain and the Chung Shan Hot Spring Golf Club in Zhongshan City. Which is in China.
"Can you point to Zhongshan City on a map? I'll bet you fucking can't. British geography teacher, my friend. British geography teacher..."
Logan added: "And then of of course there's the lovely Nurtau Golf Club in Kazakhstan, now a regular venue on the European Challenge Tour, where Prince Andrew may well have spent some time with Timur Kulibayev, the business associate who bought that crappy Berkshire mansion he shared with Fergie for £3 million more than it was worth.
"For some reason."
DMash.
The 10 best teachers gathered at the Royal Geographic Institute in London and took it in turns to sticks pins in a map of the world as the actor Samuel West read out the name of each golf club and spa resort.
In an effortless display, Britain's finest easily identified each of the venues where the prince has arrived by taxpayer funded private jet, played 36 holes and felt up a waitress before telling a local dignitary that his geography teachers are shit at their jobs.
Tom Logan, head of geography at Grantham Academy, said: "We began with the easy ones - St Andrews, Wentworth, Sandwich - because even though we are the best geography teachers in the world, it's not nice to show off all the time.
"Then I did Gleneagles. Now, everyone has heard of Gleneagles, but not that many people actually know where it is. Most would just stick a pin in the middle of the Highlands or think it's another name for Balmoral, but in fact it's just outside a little village called Auchterarder which is only about 40 miles north west of Edinburgh.
"Meanwhile Carnoustie probably sounds like it should be on a little windswept island where everyone speaks gaelic, but it's actually just outside Dundee."
Helen Archer, head of geography at St Ian's Comprehensive in Hatfield, said: "Some of the foreign ones were quite tricky. Obviously we did Pebble Beach and Augusta, but then we were sticking pins in the Eagleton Golf Resort in Bangalore, La Tahona Golf Club in Canelones, Uruguay, the Bandung Giri Gahana Golf Resort in Indonesia, the Awali Golf Club in Bahrain and the Chung Shan Hot Spring Golf Club in Zhongshan City. Which is in China.
"Can you point to Zhongshan City on a map? I'll bet you fucking can't. British geography teacher, my friend. British geography teacher..."
Logan added: "And then of of course there's the lovely Nurtau Golf Club in Kazakhstan, now a regular venue on the European Challenge Tour, where Prince Andrew may well have spent some time with Timur Kulibayev, the business associate who bought that crappy Berkshire mansion he shared with Fergie for £3 million more than it was worth.
"For some reason."
DMash.
News Thump
EU launches Google antitrust probe, what do you think?
The European Commission has launched an investigation into Google after other search engines complained that the firm had abused its dominant position.
The EC will examine whether the world’s largest search engine penalised competing services in its results.
 | “Hang on, are you telling me that my searches might not be displaying the best results for ‘German Cheerleaders with no gag reflex’?” Mike Williams, Home Worker |
 | “If the EU are struggling to know where to start, they should try Googling ‘Google Antitrust’.” Debra Flintoff, Researcher |
 | “They should also look into why their search engine automatically puts hundreds of filthy terms into my browser history by default. Now, you’re SURE my wife will definitely see this?” James Warne, Accountant |
 | “Seriously, when are we gonna cut these globalised multi-billion dollar corporations some slack?” Emily Lloyd, Internet Lawyer |
 | “What do you mean ‘other search engines’?” Mike Logan, PR |
Fifa Fecked
In an attempt to stamp out the corruption thought to be rife throughout the organisation, former FIFA-qualified referees are to begin officiating at all meetings attended by FIFA delegates.
The new refereeing policy follows Panorama’s exclusive revelation last night that three senior FIFA officials took bribes in the 1990s, at a time when none of us did anything whatsoever that was a little bit dodgy.
A FIFA spokesperson said, “Referees will be brought in to keep a close eye on the proceedings, in the hope that the delegates will start to behave themselves.”
“Obviously the refs are only human, and might still miss the odd under-the-table incident. We will review the policy in six months to see if we need to implement pocket-line technology on every FIFA delegate.”
“What we can be absolutely sure of is better time keeping, and meetings will end pretty much when we expect, give or take a couple of minutes.”
FIFA officials bribed
Observers have suggested this is too little too late, and further evidence that football’s governing body is way behind the times.
Football correspondent David Williams told us, “I’m sure that if Nicolas Leoz, Issa Hayatou or Ricardo Teixeira had been given a yellow card for earlier indiscretions they might not have gone on to take the bribes that they did. That’s where a strong ref really comes into his own.”
“Moving forward this can only be a good thing for FIFA executive meetings. Would you really waste time on Any Other Business if you knew Graham Poll was behind you ready to bring out a yellow card with little or no provocation?”
“Biscuits will be shared equally and anyone forgetting to order coffee for the room will no doubt face the famous Pierluigi Collina stare.”
Critics have said the move will have little effect, with one explaining, “All this will do is make the bribery more professional. There will be no more amateur attempts with brown paper bags, but slick cash transfer routines which have been developed after hours on the training ground.”
NT.
All Cocked
The same Councils who regularly leave your rubbish on the street, or fail to collect it altogether, are to be put in charge of encouraging healthier lifestyles under plans to be unveiled by ministers.
Local public health directors will be moved out of the NHS into local councils, organisations that hardly ever kill anyone at all.
The government believes the wider remit of councils in areas such as failing to grit your roads, dealing with litter, and leaving rotting garbage outside your house for days, puts them in a strong position when looking for someone to blame when nobody gets any healthier.
Resident Kelly Williams said, “This is just what I needed, someone at the council telling me to be a bit healthier. When I call up to ask why they’ve not removed the burnt out car at the end of the road they can remind me to eat my five a day.”
“Perhaps they can add rope ladders to all the street lights that don’t work and we can combine a light workout with the ability to fix them ourselves?”
Councils get health remit
Ministers have insisted the new realignment of health responsibilities is the most efficient way for the government to devolve themselves of any responsibility whatsoever for an increasingly unhealthy population.
Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said, “If you want to impact positively on people’s health, what better way than passing that responsibility to the people our citizens are regularly contacting to complain about something or other?”
“No-one is going to listen if the government tells you to take 20 minutes of exercise at least three times a week, but if that reminder comes when you’re shouting at someone because of all the dog shit in the park, then maybe it will sink in.”
NT.
It's Not All Rosy
Facts about struggling countries around the world- there's always someone worse off than you are...
Tight but Blind
Only one in six people who buy reading glasses off the shelf have the correct strength lenses.
Perhaps, but I have +1 wotsits for reading and they're great. And they only cost a quid.
Perhaps, but I have +1 wotsits for reading and they're great. And they only cost a quid.
And Here's Why
The BBC looks into what hosting the World Cup really means- wonga:
The burgeoning revenues from television rights, ticket sales, marketing activities and tourism represent the large juicy carrot required to get governments motivated.
Spain won the 2010 World Cup and hope to stage the 2018 event with Portugal. Photo: Reuters
You only have to look at the cast list for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to get a sense that opportunity is knocking. Half the G8 are in there: the United States, Russia, Japan and the United Kingdom.
All the bidders believe they are going to get something out of the World Cup in economic terms - and you have got to be in it to win it. South Africa is an interesting case study. The government there spent something like $3.5bn on the 2010 showpiece, according to the SA public service commission.
That is a huge sum of money for a nation where millions live in poverty, without adequate access to education and services like clean sanitation and safe electricity. The justification for this spend was multi-layered but at its core was an economic argument. It spoke of reducing unemployment, increasing tourism revenues and promoting direct foreign investment in South Africa.
Perhaps its biggest success was one of the more intangible benefits, of building nationhood. There is no denying South Africans of all backgrounds got together behind their team and felt good about themselves.
Official claims for the German economy following the 2006 World Cup are just as robust.
The German government reported that the tourism industry earned an extra 300m euros in revenue, while the event added 2bn euros to retail sales and creat ed 50,000 new jobs.
It was claimed that ticket sales ploughed a further 40m euros into the treasury, while the World Cup organising committee earned a net profit of 56.5m euros for German football.
There are plenty of academics and economists who will argue that this is all smoke and mirrors and that the benefits of staging a World Cup are substantially overstated.
Some like to highlight the loss of productivity during the World Cup, when we are all glued to our TV screens instead of our computer monitors.
A report by the Centre for Economics and Business Research in London calculated the loss of productivity worldwide could have been as high as $4.8bn, as people wasted time watching football while the tournament was on.
The British Beer and Pub Association are less concerned. They reckoned 21m extra pints would be consumed during England's first three qualifying games in South Africa.
That argument was brilliantly deconstructed by football finance expert Stefan Szymanski, who pointed out that the larger than usual number of people with hangovers the day after the matches would probably mean less pints sold on each of the following days!
There is plenty of scepticism about the real economic value of the World Cup, although there is no denying it makes plenty of money for world governing body Fifa, which has reaped the dividend of the TV rights explosion. Its 2009 accounts show a $196m surplus from revenues of $1.06bn.
It is those sort of numbers that keep the politicians interested in what football can do for their countries and why, as long as the bubble stays inflated, the nations of the G8 and G20 will continue to fight for the right to party.
There are three billion reasons why Prime Minister David Cameron is going to be making every effort this week to support England's bid to stage the 2018 World Cup. That's because £3bn is the economic uplift in pounds sterling anticipated for the British economy should England win the right to host the event.
The principal reason that hosting major international sporting showpieces has become such a searingly competitive business is that, since the financial doldrums of the 1970s and early 80s, World Cups and Olympic Games have been perceived as something of a cash cow for governments now obliged to back them.
Political support is absolutely vital for any prospective bidder because of the guarantees now demanded by the likes of Fifa and the International Olympic Committee over security, infrastructure, financial support and even entry visas.
Governments need to be able to justify their decisions to stump up the cash - and a positive cost benefit analysis is just the tool they need.
The burgeoning revenues from television rights, ticket sales, marketing activities and tourism represent the large juicy carrot required to get governments motivated.
Spain won the 2010 World Cup and hope to stage the 2018 event with Portugal. Photo: Reuters
You only have to look at the cast list for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to get a sense that opportunity is knocking. Half the G8 are in there: the United States, Russia, Japan and the United Kingdom.
All the bidders believe they are going to get something out of the World Cup in economic terms - and you have got to be in it to win it. South Africa is an interesting case study. The government there spent something like $3.5bn on the 2010 showpiece, according to the SA public service commission.
That is a huge sum of money for a nation where millions live in poverty, without adequate access to education and services like clean sanitation and safe electricity. The justification for this spend was multi-layered but at its core was an economic argument. It spoke of reducing unemployment, increasing tourism revenues and promoting direct foreign investment in South Africa.
Perhaps its biggest success was one of the more intangible benefits, of building nationhood. There is no denying South Africans of all backgrounds got together behind their team and felt good about themselves.
Official claims for the German economy following the 2006 World Cup are just as robust.
The German government reported that the tourism industry earned an extra 300m euros in revenue, while the event added 2bn euros to retail sales and creat ed 50,000 new jobs.
It was claimed that ticket sales ploughed a further 40m euros into the treasury, while the World Cup organising committee earned a net profit of 56.5m euros for German football.
There are plenty of academics and economists who will argue that this is all smoke and mirrors and that the benefits of staging a World Cup are substantially overstated.
Some like to highlight the loss of productivity during the World Cup, when we are all glued to our TV screens instead of our computer monitors.
A report by the Centre for Economics and Business Research in London calculated the loss of productivity worldwide could have been as high as $4.8bn, as people wasted time watching football while the tournament was on.
The British Beer and Pub Association are less concerned. They reckoned 21m extra pints would be consumed during England's first three qualifying games in South Africa.
That argument was brilliantly deconstructed by football finance expert Stefan Szymanski, who pointed out that the larger than usual number of people with hangovers the day after the matches would probably mean less pints sold on each of the following days!
There is plenty of scepticism about the real economic value of the World Cup, although there is no denying it makes plenty of money for world governing body Fifa, which has reaped the dividend of the TV rights explosion. Its 2009 accounts show a $196m surplus from revenues of $1.06bn.
It is those sort of numbers that keep the politicians interested in what football can do for their countries and why, as long as the bubble stays inflated, the nations of the G8 and G20 will continue to fight for the right to party.
2018 & 2022
It's all rigged, corrupt and shouldn't be run like this, but on Thursday in Zurich, football's world governing body Fifa will announce the countries it has chosen to host the World Cup in 2018 and 2022.
There are four bids on the table for the 2018 World Cup, with England hopeful of beating Spain/Portugal, Netherlands/Belgium and Russia for the right to host the competition for the first time since 1966.
Five bidders are vying for the 2022 tournament: Japan, Australia, United States of America, South Korea and Qatar.
Here is the BBC's guide to the contenders for both editions, starting with the four bids for 2018:
Last World Cup hosted: 1966
Bid leader: Former FA chairman Geoff Thompson
Bid motto: England United, The World Invited
Famous face: David Beckham
Pros: The infrastructure is largely in place and there is an impressive network of stadiums. England also has historic appeal, with Fifa president Sepp Blatter calling it the "motherland" of football. England's bid team also believes it can drive up the commercial revenues of the event, aided by the international appeal of the Premier League.
Cons: The bid has been hampered by a spat with Russia, negative press from the British media and infighting at the Football Association. Former bid leader Lord Triesman also quit in May after he was secretly recorded making allegations about rival bids.
Say what? "If you ask the players where they wanted to play the World Cup in 2018, they would want to play it in this country" - Former England footballer Gary Lineker
Bid chief executive Andy Anson: "Just like Fifa, we believe in the power of football to open up new territories. A tournament in England will deliver a global legacy that will produce greater football and social benefits for more people than ever before."
Last World Cup hosted: Spain - 1982
Bid leaders: Spanish FA president Angel Maria Villar and Portuguese Football Federation president Gilberto Madail
Bid motto: We Play As A Team, United By Enthusiasm
Famous face: Luis Figo
Pros: Spain's Euro 2008 and World Cup 2010-winning team, plus famous stadiums like the Camp Nou, the Bernabeu and the Estadio da Luz. Spanish FA president Angel Maria Villar has great contacts among Fifa voters and the bid is supported by the South American Conmebol bloc.
Cons: Allegations in a British newspaper of voting collusion with Qatar, though vigorously denied and dismissed by Fifa. Also, Fifa president Sepp Blatter is not generally keen on dual bids, while Portugal hosted the European Championship as recently as 2004.
Say what? "We have the infrastructure, food, hotels, tourism, climate. All this makes us a strong candidate to host the 2018 finals" - Former Portugal international Luis Figo
Bid chiefs Villar and Madail: "We have the backing of millions of fans of this wonderful sporting spectacle. We have presented a single bid with a single centre, which is Madrid. It's as if the whole of Iberia was one country."
Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Dutch FA president Michael van Praag
Bid motto: Together For Great Goals
Famous faces: Johan Cruyff and Ruud Gullit
Pros: Successfully hosted the European Championship in 2000. Backed by star power in the shape of Gullit and Cruyff. Promoting itself as the most environmentally friendly bid, with short journeys for spectators.
Cons: Fifa's dislike for co-hosts. Could be muscled out of the running by larger European rivals. Both countries have dense road networks, with traffic jams common.
Say what? "It will be the greenest World Cup ever with an environment protection plan the world has never seen before. We will try to give two million bikes to all the fans, so they can go everywhere" - Former Dutch footballer Ruud Gullit
Bid leader Van Praag: "Belgium and Dutch have well-behaved fans, facilities, security and political stability that make the two countries the best host for the job. The competition is stiff but we believe we can get the support we need."
Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Russian Sports Minister Vitaly Mutko
Bid motto: Ready To Inspire
Famous face: Alexei Smertin
Pros: The fact that Russia has never hosted the event could work in its favour. The bid has full government backing, a vast budget and has been described as "remarkable" by Blatter. Would open the country up to hundreds of thousands of foreigners.
Cons: Security could be a concern. So could the enormous distances between venues, resulting in plenty of air travel. Russia did not qualify for South Africa 2010, missing out on the chance to showcase their team and lobby Fifa officials.
Say what? "Playing at World Cups was the pinnacle of my career. To help to bring one to Russia would be an even greater personal achievement" - Former USSR goalkeeper Rinat Dasaev
Bid leader Mutko: "Soccer is the world's most popular sport, therefore it must leave a long-lasting legacy for a World Cup host. I think from that point of view Russia has a big edge over its rivals."
And the five contenders for the 2022 World Cup:
Last World Cup hosted: 2002
Bid leader: Japan Football Association president Motoaki Inukai
Bid motto: 208 Smiles! (Inspired by the fact that Fifa has 208 member countries)
Famous face: Hidetoshi Nakata
Pros: The bid has plenty of cash and co-hosted a friendly and trouble-free World Cup in 2002, with the stadiums still in top condition. Strong line in innovation, illustrated by the use of an origami pop-out in their pitch to Fifa.
Cons: The fact that they were co-hosts as recently as 2002. Dropped bid for 2018 after Blatter strongly hinted it would go to a European country. Lack of government support.
Say what? "The 2002 World Cup was a fantastic tournament. The level of organisation and the passion of the fans were quite exceptional. A World Cup hosted by Japan in 2022 would be something... truly special" - Japan coach Alberto Zaccheroni
Bid leader Inukai: "I was hoping Fifa would rate our proposal more than they did. We had much higher expectations."
Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Australian Football Federation chairman Frank Lowy
Bid motto: Come Play!
Famous face: Nicole Kidman
Pros: A sport-mad nation with a proven history of staging successful sports events. Could have the appeal of spreading the game to new pastures. Star backing in the form of Formula 1 driver Mark Webber, swimmer Ian Thorpe and Hollywood stars Kidman and Hugh Jackman.
Cons: Most of Australia's biggest stadiums are used by other sports, like Aussie Rules and rugby league, whose seasons overlap with World Cup. Those sports are also more popular than football in Australia. Games would be at wrong time for lucrative European TV markets.
Say what? "The race to bring the World Cup to Australia is on. Like Formula 1 driving, you need belief, passion and Aussie grit to be successful" -Formula 1 driver Mark Webber
Bid leader Lowy: "I know we have the best bid. I know we have convinced many of the Fifa executive committee that we have the best bid. But will we have the critical 13 votes needed to win it? In my heart, I really believe so."
Last World Cup hosted: 1994
Bid leaders: US Soccer president Sunil Gulati
Bid motto: The Game Is In US
Famous face: Spike Lee
Pros: Infrastructure in place from the 1994 World Cup. Soccer continues to grow in popularity in the country. The bid is supported by President Barack Obama and will offer Fifa big financial rewards. Has backing of Mexico and the Concacaf region.
Cons: Football is growing but still well down the pecking order of national sports.
Say what? "In my travels around the world - from the dirt fields of Lusaka, Zambia, to playgrounds in schools across America - I've seen the power soccer has to transform lives. I'm proud to represent the US in our bid to bring the World Cup back to American soil, allowing us to inspire action and cooperation on an even greater scale" - Honorary bid chairman Bill Clinton
Bid leader Gulati: "We've got all of the infrastructure in place - and it's extraordinary infrastructure. In elections, you never know where you are until the very last minute, until the vote is taken. There's not accurate polling, per se. So we'll continue to work until the last minute."
Last World Cup hosted: 2002
Bid leader: Former foreign minister Han Sung-Joo
Bid motto: Passion That Unites
Famous face: Park Ji-Sung
Pros: The country has world-class stadiums and transport links, is arguably the world's most hi-tech nation and has excellent rail and road networks. Also boasts the most successful national team in Asia, with seven consecutive World Cup appearances.
Cons: Co-hosted the tournament in 2002 and Fifa may be looking to new pastures in Asia. Uneasy relationship with neighbours North Korea, who South Korea say they might ask to stage a handful of games.
Say what? "Football can make things different and football can make change around the world. I hope football can do something for Korea" - South Korea's Park Ji-Sung
Bid leader Sung-Joo: "We have a very good case to make in terms of transportation, hardware, communication, opportunities. We are within around ten hours travelling of the US and Europe and 4 hours of one third of the world's population. People will come."
Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani, son of the Emir of Qatar
Bid motto: Expect Amazing
Famous face: Bid ambassador Zinedine Zidane
Pros: The potential to take the World Cup to the Middle East for the first time. Money is no object, with several state-of-the-art stadiums already in progress, while commercial gains could be huge. Former Premier League spokesman Mike Lee, who helped London and Rio win the Olympics, is working on the bid.
Cons: The ferocious heat, which could reach 50 degrees Celsius. The compact nature of the country, with 10 out of the 12 stadiums being located within a 25-30 km radius. Lack of atmosphere at England-Brazil friendly last November.
Say what: "Football is for everyone. When I think of all the youth of the Middle East, what they're missing is an event like the World Cup. We had the 2010 World Cup in Africa and now it is time for the Middle East" - France World Cup winner Zinedine Zidane
Bid leader Sheikh Mohammed: "What we can do in the Middle East is unmatched in any other region, by any other competitor. Football affects us more than anything. It can change our mindsets more than anything. We need this World Cup in the Middle East. People in the Middle East - their hopes and dreams are resting on the success of this bid."
There are four bids on the table for the 2018 World Cup, with England hopeful of beating Spain/Portugal, Netherlands/Belgium and Russia for the right to host the competition for the first time since 1966.
Five bidders are vying for the 2022 tournament: Japan, Australia, United States of America, South Korea and Qatar.
Here is the BBC's guide to the contenders for both editions, starting with the four bids for 2018:
ENGLAND
Main stadium: Wembley, 90,000 (London)Last World Cup hosted: 1966
Bid leader: Former FA chairman Geoff Thompson
Bid motto: England United, The World Invited
Famous face: David Beckham
 |
Cons: The bid has been hampered by a spat with Russia, negative press from the British media and infighting at the Football Association. Former bid leader Lord Triesman also quit in May after he was secretly recorded making allegations about rival bids.
Say what? "If you ask the players where they wanted to play the World Cup in 2018, they would want to play it in this country" - Former England footballer Gary Lineker
Bid chief executive Andy Anson: "Just like Fifa, we believe in the power of football to open up new territories. A tournament in England will deliver a global legacy that will produce greater football and social benefits for more people than ever before."
SPAIN & PORTUGAL
Main stadium: Portugal - Estadio da Luz, 65,000 (Benfica); Spain - Santiago Bernabeu, 80,533 (Madrid)Last World Cup hosted: Spain - 1982
Bid leaders: Spanish FA president Angel Maria Villar and Portuguese Football Federation president Gilberto Madail
Bid motto: We Play As A Team, United By Enthusiasm
Famous face: Luis Figo
 |
Cons: Allegations in a British newspaper of voting collusion with Qatar, though vigorously denied and dismissed by Fifa. Also, Fifa president Sepp Blatter is not generally keen on dual bids, while Portugal hosted the European Championship as recently as 2004.
Say what? "We have the infrastructure, food, hotels, tourism, climate. All this makes us a strong candidate to host the 2018 finals" - Former Portugal international Luis Figo
Bid chiefs Villar and Madail: "We have the backing of millions of fans of this wonderful sporting spectacle. We have presented a single bid with a single centre, which is Madrid. It's as if the whole of Iberia was one country."
NETHERLANDS & BELGIUM
Main stadium: Belgium - Brussels Stadium, 80,000 (Brussels); Netherlands - Feyenoord Stadium (de Kuip), 47,491 (Rotterdam)Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Dutch FA president Michael van Praag
Bid motto: Together For Great Goals
Famous faces: Johan Cruyff and Ruud Gullit
 |
Cons: Fifa's dislike for co-hosts. Could be muscled out of the running by larger European rivals. Both countries have dense road networks, with traffic jams common.
Say what? "It will be the greenest World Cup ever with an environment protection plan the world has never seen before. We will try to give two million bikes to all the fans, so they can go everywhere" - Former Dutch footballer Ruud Gullit
Bid leader Van Praag: "Belgium and Dutch have well-behaved fans, facilities, security and political stability that make the two countries the best host for the job. The competition is stiff but we believe we can get the support we need."
RUSSIA
Main stadium: Luzhniki Stadium, 78,360, (Moscow)Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Russian Sports Minister Vitaly Mutko
Bid motto: Ready To Inspire
Famous face: Alexei Smertin
 |
Cons: Security could be a concern. So could the enormous distances between venues, resulting in plenty of air travel. Russia did not qualify for South Africa 2010, missing out on the chance to showcase their team and lobby Fifa officials.
Say what? "Playing at World Cups was the pinnacle of my career. To help to bring one to Russia would be an even greater personal achievement" - Former USSR goalkeeper Rinat Dasaev
Bid leader Mutko: "Soccer is the world's most popular sport, therefore it must leave a long-lasting legacy for a World Cup host. I think from that point of view Russia has a big edge over its rivals."
And the five contenders for the 2022 World Cup:
JAPAN
Main stadium: International Stadium, 72,000 (Yokohama)Last World Cup hosted: 2002
Bid leader: Japan Football Association president Motoaki Inukai
Bid motto: 208 Smiles! (Inspired by the fact that Fifa has 208 member countries)
Famous face: Hidetoshi Nakata
 |
Cons: The fact that they were co-hosts as recently as 2002. Dropped bid for 2018 after Blatter strongly hinted it would go to a European country. Lack of government support.
Say what? "The 2002 World Cup was a fantastic tournament. The level of organisation and the passion of the fans were quite exceptional. A World Cup hosted by Japan in 2022 would be something... truly special" - Japan coach Alberto Zaccheroni
Bid leader Inukai: "I was hoping Fifa would rate our proposal more than they did. We had much higher expectations."
AUSTRALIA
Main stadium: Melbourne Cricket ground, 100,108 (Melbourne)Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Australian Football Federation chairman Frank Lowy
Bid motto: Come Play!
Famous face: Nicole Kidman
 |
Cons: Most of Australia's biggest stadiums are used by other sports, like Aussie Rules and rugby league, whose seasons overlap with World Cup. Those sports are also more popular than football in Australia. Games would be at wrong time for lucrative European TV markets.
Say what? "The race to bring the World Cup to Australia is on. Like Formula 1 driving, you need belief, passion and Aussie grit to be successful" -Formula 1 driver Mark Webber
Bid leader Lowy: "I know we have the best bid. I know we have convinced many of the Fifa executive committee that we have the best bid. But will we have the critical 13 votes needed to win it? In my heart, I really believe so."
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Main stadium: Rose Bowl, 91,000, (Pasadena)Last World Cup hosted: 1994
Bid leaders: US Soccer president Sunil Gulati
Bid motto: The Game Is In US
Famous face: Spike Lee
 |
Cons: Football is growing but still well down the pecking order of national sports.
Say what? "In my travels around the world - from the dirt fields of Lusaka, Zambia, to playgrounds in schools across America - I've seen the power soccer has to transform lives. I'm proud to represent the US in our bid to bring the World Cup back to American soil, allowing us to inspire action and cooperation on an even greater scale" - Honorary bid chairman Bill Clinton
Bid leader Gulati: "We've got all of the infrastructure in place - and it's extraordinary infrastructure. In elections, you never know where you are until the very last minute, until the vote is taken. There's not accurate polling, per se. So we'll continue to work until the last minute."
SOUTH KOREA
Main stadium: Seoul World Cup Stadium, 66,000, (Seoul)Last World Cup hosted: 2002
Bid leader: Former foreign minister Han Sung-Joo
Bid motto: Passion That Unites
Famous face: Park Ji-Sung
 |
Cons: Co-hosted the tournament in 2002 and Fifa may be looking to new pastures in Asia. Uneasy relationship with neighbours North Korea, who South Korea say they might ask to stage a handful of games.
Say what? "Football can make things different and football can make change around the world. I hope football can do something for Korea" - South Korea's Park Ji-Sung
Bid leader Sung-Joo: "We have a very good case to make in terms of transportation, hardware, communication, opportunities. We are within around ten hours travelling of the US and Europe and 4 hours of one third of the world's population. People will come."
QATAR
Main stadium: Lusail Stadium, 86,250, (Lusail City, Doha)Last World Cup hosted: n/a
Bid leader: Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al-Thani, son of the Emir of Qatar
Bid motto: Expect Amazing
Famous face: Bid ambassador Zinedine Zidane
 |
Cons: The ferocious heat, which could reach 50 degrees Celsius. The compact nature of the country, with 10 out of the 12 stadiums being located within a 25-30 km radius. Lack of atmosphere at England-Brazil friendly last November.
Say what: "Football is for everyone. When I think of all the youth of the Middle East, what they're missing is an event like the World Cup. We had the 2010 World Cup in Africa and now it is time for the Middle East" - France World Cup winner Zinedine Zidane
Bid leader Sheikh Mohammed: "What we can do in the Middle East is unmatched in any other region, by any other competitor. Football affects us more than anything. It can change our mindsets more than anything. We need this World Cup in the Middle East. People in the Middle East - their hopes and dreams are resting on the success of this bid."
Oiling the Wheels
Football leeches agents managed to scam a shocking £67.1 million out of the Premiership football teams this season. What recession?
Total money spent on agents (Oct 2009 - Sep 2010):
More at the BBC.
Total money spent on agents (Oct 2009 - Sep 2010):
Arsenal - £3,660,199.00
Aston Villa - £2,279,536.50
Birmingham - £1,518,529.09
Blackburn - £1,623,232.92
Blackpool - £45,000.00
Bolton - £3,549,316.72
Chelsea - £9,293,751.48
Everton - £3,599,040.51
Fulham - £2,087,373.55
Liverpool - £9,032,528.49
Manchester City - £5,952,261.33
Manchester United - £2,312,726.00
Newcastle - £2,417,776.00
Stoke - £2,196,968.50
Sunderland - £4,421,990.72
Tottenham - £5,361,229.87
West Brom - £614,195.73
West Ham - £3,419,089.99
Wigan - £2,461,500.00
Wolves - £1,291,794.00
Aston Villa - £2,279,536.50
Birmingham - £1,518,529.09
Blackburn - £1,623,232.92
Blackpool - £45,000.00
Bolton - £3,549,316.72
Chelsea - £9,293,751.48
Everton - £3,599,040.51
Fulham - £2,087,373.55
Liverpool - £9,032,528.49
Manchester City - £5,952,261.33
Manchester United - £2,312,726.00
Newcastle - £2,417,776.00
Stoke - £2,196,968.50
Sunderland - £4,421,990.72
Tottenham - £5,361,229.87
West Brom - £614,195.73
West Ham - £3,419,089.99
Wigan - £2,461,500.00
Wolves - £1,291,794.00
More at the BBC.
Didn't Expect That
West Ham stuff four past Man Utd? OK, it may only be the Carling Cup, but still. They did for us in the league too and shows that bottom of the Premiership is not a true position. I hope they don't go down, I like the Hammers and have many Claret and Blue pals.
Oh, and The Arse got through to the semis too. Hhmph.
Oh, and The Arse got through to the semis too. Hhmph.
MacBeth
Ever since the murder of Pope John XII in 964, the Vatican has avoided the use of the number 12. It is referred to in all holy documents as "Unodecum et Unum"- "eleven and one".
Dilemma
Walking up to the supermarket in the dark (~19:00?) we spotted a person lying right in the middle of the pavement, completely still. We didn't see any blood but it didn't look too good and so we had to get help. Sometimes it's a bummer not being able to converse in Thai, so we headed to the Plod shop directly opposite where the person was lying and soon found a young policeman who could understand us.
He and a colleague followed us to the body and after quite a while, managed to get them to move, which they did suddenly and clasping their head. I suspect it was down to alcohol but we couldn't just leave them there; what if they needed medical attention?
I just hope he didn't end up in the cells for the night. Stays are not usually free of charge and some "tea money" is the usual etiquette.
He and a colleague followed us to the body and after quite a while, managed to get them to move, which they did suddenly and clasping their head. I suspect it was down to alcohol but we couldn't just leave them there; what if they needed medical attention?
I just hope he didn't end up in the cells for the night. Stays are not usually free of charge and some "tea money" is the usual etiquette.
Induction Cooker
This new cooking thing we picked up in the sales. It's certainly going to give us far more options for eating over the next few weeks but it's not so cheap after all. The pan and lid that came with it burnt on the second use as they were so thin I've seen thicker Coke cans and the replacement, non-stick pan I bought didn't work.
Apparently not all pans are compatible with induction heaters and this was one such pan- which cost over half the cooker. We've since bought a good quality replacement (again, pricey) and all is now well but we have a spare, good quality frying pan if anyone wants it.
Apparently not all pans are compatible with induction heaters and this was one such pan- which cost over half the cooker. We've since bought a good quality replacement (again, pricey) and all is now well but we have a spare, good quality frying pan if anyone wants it.
Top Tips But Not From Viz
Anther pass on from dad:
- Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
- Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mould!
- Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
- Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
- To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream; then beat them.
- Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
- Reheat leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove; set heat to med-low
And heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.
- Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal; mash till they are all broken up Add remainder of ingredients (not listed), reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy; squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done - easy clean up.
- To warm bread biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave next to a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
moist and help it reheat faster.
- Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
- Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a static/clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with trousers that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and static is gone.
- Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient (peanut butter, honey, etc) and watch how easily it comes right out.
- Hate foggy windscreens? Buy a blackboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the duster, it works better than a cloth!
- Reopening an envelope. If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
- Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.
- Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
- To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream; then beat them.
- Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
- Reheat leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove; set heat to med-low
And heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.
- Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal; mash till they are all broken up Add remainder of ingredients (not listed), reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy; squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done - easy clean up.
- To warm bread biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave next to a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
moist and help it reheat faster.
- Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
- Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a static/clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with trousers that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and static is gone.
- Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient (peanut butter, honey, etc) and watch how easily it comes right out.
- Hate foggy windscreens? Buy a blackboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the duster, it works better than a cloth!
- Reopening an envelope. If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
Doesn't Look Familiar
On the way home, I got off at the station and felt something was not quite right. I looked at the sign and realised I was a bit previous and had got off one stop too early. I only just made it back on the train before the doors closed.
Did I mention I think I'm losing it? :o)
Did I mention I think I'm losing it? :o)
Something Missing
I fancied a sandwich and spread one side of the bread with butter and the other with cream cheese. Next a thin smattering of mustard and then some chopped olives. I had just sliced the sandwich in half and then realised I hadn't but the sliced beef in. I think I am starting to lose it.
How Embarrassing
Seeing as we live in our hotel room all around the clock, we end up making a bit of a mess from time to time with toast crumbs and similar debris landing on the floor. With this is mind, we bought an Asian style dustpan and brush (although we didn't buy the pan, just the brush) which is like a miniature broom with a soft brush head on a bamboo cane.
It's great for sweeping up the tiled floor and I had just done exactly that as I was heading out the door to go into town, so I just swept the collected rubbish and shoved them into the corridor.
Bad timing- the cleaner was just outside the door, sweeping up as well. I rather feebly said I was going to pick it all up but she just laughed and did it for me. Busted.
It's great for sweeping up the tiled floor and I had just done exactly that as I was heading out the door to go into town, so I just swept the collected rubbish and shoved them into the corridor.
Bad timing- the cleaner was just outside the door, sweeping up as well. I rather feebly said I was going to pick it all up but she just laughed and did it for me. Busted.
The Ayes Have It
Sent on from my father:
Few people could argue that without our 5 senses life would be pretty dull. All our senses are extremely important but I think if you asked most people which sense would they least like to lose they would probably say their vision. As with most of our abilities, our vision is something that many of us take for granted. If you stop and think for a moment, you will realize that just about everything we do in our day to day life involves our vision. During this article I am going to try and see if I can get you to start thinking a little bit more about your eyes. Listed below is my top 10 list of weird and wonderful things you didn’t know about your eyes
10. Everyone needs reading glasses as they get older
This is assuming that you already have perfect distance vision. If you are currently reading this article and are under 40 years of age with perfect distance vision, I can say with absolute certainty that you will need reading glasses at some point in the future. For about 99% of the population the age that you will first start needing reading glasses is between 43 and 50 years old. This is because the lens in your eye slowly loses its focusing ability with age. In order to focus things near to you, your lens has to change from a flat to a more spherical shape and it loses the ability to do this as you get older. As you get to around 45 years old you will start to hold things further away from you to keep them focus.
People don’t realize that cataracts are just a normal consequence of getting older and everyone gets them at some point in their life. You can think of cataracts as being similar to getting grey hair, in that it is just a normal natural age change. The average age people first get cataracts is about aged 70 years old and by 80 years old you are guaranteed to have cataracts. In the same way that you could not find any aged 80 years old without grey hair, it would be equally impossible to find anyone over 80 years old without cataracts. Cataracts refer to a gradual clouding of the lens in your eye and typically take about ten years from onset to them needing treatment.
I know this might sound crazy but this is one of strange facts about your eyes. Your tears are made up of 3 different components and they are water, mucus and fat. If these 3 components are not in exactly the right quantities, your eyes can become dry as a consequence. Your brain responds to this dryness by producing extra water and hence your eyes water.
Few people could argue that without our 5 senses life would be pretty dull. All our senses are extremely important but I think if you asked most people which sense would they least like to lose they would probably say their vision. As with most of our abilities, our vision is something that many of us take for granted. If you stop and think for a moment, you will realize that just about everything we do in our day to day life involves our vision. During this article I am going to try and see if I can get you to start thinking a little bit more about your eyes. Listed below is my top 10 list of weird and wonderful things you didn’t know about your eyes
10. Everyone needs reading glasses as they get older
This is assuming that you already have perfect distance vision. If you are currently reading this article and are under 40 years of age with perfect distance vision, I can say with absolute certainty that you will need reading glasses at some point in the future. For about 99% of the population the age that you will first start needing reading glasses is between 43 and 50 years old. This is because the lens in your eye slowly loses its focusing ability with age. In order to focus things near to you, your lens has to change from a flat to a more spherical shape and it loses the ability to do this as you get older. As you get to around 45 years old you will start to hold things further away from you to keep them focus.
9. The lens in your eye is quicker than any camera lens
Just behind the pupil sits the eyes natural lens, whose function is to focus on the object you are looking at. Just take a minute to glance around the room and think about how many different distances you are focusing at. Every time you do this, the lens in your eye is instantly changing focus without you even being aware of it! Compare that with a camera lens which takes a few seconds to focus between one distance and another. Just be thankful that the lens in your eye is as quick as it is, otherwise things would be continually going in and out of focus.
Just behind the pupil sits the eyes natural lens, whose function is to focus on the object you are looking at. Just take a minute to glance around the room and think about how many different distances you are focusing at. Every time you do this, the lens in your eye is instantly changing focus without you even being aware of it! Compare that with a camera lens which takes a few seconds to focus between one distance and another. Just be thankful that the lens in your eye is as quick as it is, otherwise things would be continually going in and out of focus.
8. Your eyes are fully developed by the age of 7 years old
By the age of 7 years old our eyes are fully developed and are physiologically the same as adult’s eyes. It is for this reason that it is vitally important to pick up a lazy eye before we reach this age. The earlier a lazy eye is diagnosed, the greater the chance it will respond to treatment, as the eyes are still developing and capable of an improvement in vision. Beyond 7 years old no amount of treatment will result in any improvement in vision.
By the age of 7 years old our eyes are fully developed and are physiologically the same as adult’s eyes. It is for this reason that it is vitally important to pick up a lazy eye before we reach this age. The earlier a lazy eye is diagnosed, the greater the chance it will respond to treatment, as the eyes are still developing and capable of an improvement in vision. Beyond 7 years old no amount of treatment will result in any improvement in vision.
7. You blink approximately 15,000 times each day
Blinking is a semi- involuntary function meaning we do it automatically, but can also choose to blink if we so require. Blinking is an extremely important function of your eyes as it helps remove any debris on the surface of your eye, by spreading fresh tears over them. These tears help to nourish your eyes with oxygen and also have important anti bacterial properties. You can think of the function of blinking as being similar to the action of the windscreen wipers on your car, cleaning and removing everything to keep you seeing clearly.
Blinking is a semi- involuntary function meaning we do it automatically, but can also choose to blink if we so require. Blinking is an extremely important function of your eyes as it helps remove any debris on the surface of your eye, by spreading fresh tears over them. These tears help to nourish your eyes with oxygen and also have important anti bacterial properties. You can think of the function of blinking as being similar to the action of the windscreen wipers on your car, cleaning and removing everything to keep you seeing clearly.
6. Everyone gets cataracts as they get older
People don’t realize that cataracts are just a normal consequence of getting older and everyone gets them at some point in their life. You can think of cataracts as being similar to getting grey hair, in that it is just a normal natural age change. The average age people first get cataracts is about aged 70 years old and by 80 years old you are guaranteed to have cataracts. In the same way that you could not find any aged 80 years old without grey hair, it would be equally impossible to find anyone over 80 years old without cataracts. Cataracts refer to a gradual clouding of the lens in your eye and typically take about ten years from onset to them needing treatment.
5. Diabetes is often first detected during an eye test
People who suffer from type 2 diabetes (the type you develop later in life) are often symptom free, meaning they often don’t even know that they have it. This type of diabetes is commonly picked up during an eye test as it can be seen as tiny hemorrhages from leaking blood vessels at the back of your eye. This certainly is good reason to get your eyes tested regularly.
People who suffer from type 2 diabetes (the type you develop later in life) are often symptom free, meaning they often don’t even know that they have it. This type of diabetes is commonly picked up during an eye test as it can be seen as tiny hemorrhages from leaking blood vessels at the back of your eye. This certainly is good reason to get your eyes tested regularly.
4. You see with your brain and not your eyes
The function of your eyes is to collect all the required information about the object you are looking at. This information is then passed from your eye to the brain via the optic nerve. It is the brain (visual cortex) where all this information is analyzed to enable you to ‘see’ the object in its finished form. This is not to say that your eyes don’t play an important role as they certainly do.
The function of your eyes is to collect all the required information about the object you are looking at. This information is then passed from your eye to the brain via the optic nerve. It is the brain (visual cortex) where all this information is analyzed to enable you to ‘see’ the object in its finished form. This is not to say that your eyes don’t play an important role as they certainly do.
3. Your eyes can adapt to blind spots in your vision
Certain eye conditions such as Glaucoma and certain general health conditions such as having a stroke, can lead to you developing blind spots in your vision. This would be extremely debilitating if it wasn’t for your brain and your eyes ability to adapt to make these blind spots disappear. It does this by suppressing the blind spot in your affected eye and letting your other good eye ‘fill in the gaps’. It is adaptation like this that makes your eyes so resilient.
Certain eye conditions such as Glaucoma and certain general health conditions such as having a stroke, can lead to you developing blind spots in your vision. This would be extremely debilitating if it wasn’t for your brain and your eyes ability to adapt to make these blind spots disappear. It does this by suppressing the blind spot in your affected eye and letting your other good eye ‘fill in the gaps’. It is adaptation like this that makes your eyes so resilient.
2. 20:20 vision is not the best vision you can have
When people hear the phrase 20:20 vision they assume that this is the best vision possible. However this is not true as 20:20 vision refers to what the average adult should be able to see. If you imagine a typical eye test chart the 20:20 vision is probably only the line second from the bottom. The line below it is even smaller than 20:20 vision and would mean you have 20:16 vision. So don’t be so impressed next time someone tells you they have 20:20 vision!
1. Your eyes water when they are dry When people hear the phrase 20:20 vision they assume that this is the best vision possible. However this is not true as 20:20 vision refers to what the average adult should be able to see. If you imagine a typical eye test chart the 20:20 vision is probably only the line second from the bottom. The line below it is even smaller than 20:20 vision and would mean you have 20:16 vision. So don’t be so impressed next time someone tells you they have 20:20 vision!
I know this might sound crazy but this is one of strange facts about your eyes. Your tears are made up of 3 different components and they are water, mucus and fat. If these 3 components are not in exactly the right quantities, your eyes can become dry as a consequence. Your brain responds to this dryness by producing extra water and hence your eyes water.
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