Hole in One

BRITAIN'S geography teachers last night gave a thrilling demonstration of their academic prowess by getting out a big map and pointing to each of the places Prince Andrew has played golf.

The 10 best teachers gathered at the Royal Geographic Institute in London and took it in turns to sticks pins in a map of the world as the actor Samuel West read out the name of each golf club and spa resort.

In an effortless display, Britain's finest easily identified each of the venues where the prince has arrived by taxpayer funded private jet, played 36 holes and felt up a waitress before telling a local dignitary that his geography teachers are shit at their jobs.

Tom Logan, head of geography at Grantham Academy, said: "We began with the easy ones - St Andrews, Wentworth, Sandwich - because even though we are the best geography teachers in the world, it's not nice to show off all the time.

"Then I did Gleneagles. Now, everyone has heard of Gleneagles, but not that many people actually know where it is. Most would just stick a pin in the middle of the Highlands or think it's another name for Balmoral, but in fact it's just outside a little village called Auchterarder which is only about 40 miles north west of Edinburgh.

"Meanwhile Carnoustie probably sounds like it should be on a little windswept island where everyone speaks gaelic, but it's actually just outside Dundee."

Helen Archer, head of geography at St Ian's Comprehensive in Hatfield, said: "Some of the foreign ones were quite tricky. Obviously we did Pebble Beach and Augusta, but then we were sticking pins in the Eagleton Golf Resort in Bangalore, La Tahona Golf Club in Canelones, Uruguay, the Bandung Giri Gahana Golf Resort in Indonesia, the Awali Golf Club in Bahrain and the Chung Shan Hot Spring Golf Club in Zhongshan City. Which is in China.

"Can you point to Zhongshan City on a map? I'll bet you fucking can't. British geography teacher, my friend. British geography teacher..."

Logan added: "And then of of course there's the lovely Nurtau Golf Club in Kazakhstan, now a regular venue on the European Challenge Tour, where Prince Andrew may well have spent some time with Timur Kulibayev, the business associate who bought that crappy Berkshire mansion he shared with Fergie for £3 million more than it was worth.

"For some reason."  

DMash.