Schadenfreude

THE single thing that makes Britons happiest is watching others have a total and utter nightmare, according to a new study.

Researchers found that UK citizens derive more pleasure from seeing other humans having a horrendously stressful time than from sex, hobbies or playful interaction with baby animals.

A delighted Emma Bradford, from Grantham, said: "The thing that makes me happiest is, of course, spending quality time with my husband and kids. And by that I mean watching some people having a nervous breakdown on Sarah's Beeney's Help I've Bought A House That I Can't Afford And Also It's Full Of Cancer Gas."

Happy plumber, Roy Hobbs, added: "It's true, there's nothing gives me a warm feeling inside like the sight of a terrified Masterchef contestant puking, crying and urinating at the same time.

"I kid myself I want to see them do well. I don't, I want to see them screw up in the most wretched manner and then curl into a gibbering fetal ball while Greg beats them with a spatula screaming 'You vile cur'.

"Look at me, I'm smiling."

He added: "I also like watching Katie Waissell crying. Not, I should add, because she's Jewish. But because she's human."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Nothing brightens our day more than the sight of someone else being goaded and prodded into a state of abject despair.

"But our happiness is not derived solely from schadenfreude and pathological misanthropy - 22% of people also listed 'meat'."

DMash.