Back on the Sick

Manchester United striker Michael Owen will be out for six weeks after straining his left ovary.

Owen has also pulled his cruciate front bottom

The collapsible England star has been plagued with injuries since he ruptured his eighth subdivided cell shortly after he was conceived.

United physio, Roy Hobbs, said: "Michael ran out of male body parts in 2007. In order to bulk him up a bit we've fitted him with 14 ovaries, three beaks and a trunk. And you may remember that last year he was laid up for a month after contracting fin rot.

"Since then, we've had to treat him for countless niggles like a tear in his distributor cap and a chronic bout of existential ennui in his right hoof.

"I don't know if you've ever massaged the crushing malaise out of someone confronting their own pointlessness in a godless universe using Deep Heat, but it's no picnic."

United's squad has been riddled with injuries, with the club applying for a Lottery grant to finance the restoration of Owen Hargreaves, while Antonio Valencia is currently having individual cartilage atoms fired at his ankle in the Large Hadron Collider.

Hobbs said: "I remember in the old days, my only job was changing the elastic that kept Steve Bruce's nose attached to his face and occasionally buffing the Schmeichel. But since Owen arrived every player we have seems to be made out of pound shop lego bricks and Pritt Stick.

"I'm not saying he's jinxed the squad but we've had to replace the magic sponge with an air ambulance and a priest. Somebody goes in for a heavy tackle and it looks like the exploding school girl at the start of The Untouchables."

Owen apologised for letting down the United fans, adding: "I'll be banging in the sitters again, just as soon as Roy has defragmented my hard drive and re-tweaked my labia."

DMash.