High Five Tossers

ENTHUSIASTIC workers should be treated just as harshly as benefit cheats, according to a new study.

A couple of lives just crying out to be ruined

Researchers found that those who seem to enjoy repetitive office work in strip-lit corporate death holes cause at least as many social problems as people who claim to have a bad back so they can get good at the new Medal of Honour.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "For too long we have turned a blind eye to the malign influence of the keen.

"The people who arrive five minutes early with a new biro and a grin. The people who see weekend team building as an opportunity.

"They are worse than paedophiles."

He added: "Thanks to these monsters modern life has become an infinite conveyor belt of 12-hour days and sad little booze-free, five-minute lunches where a tragic sandwich is consumed in the grim glow of a screen that's always on, while whatever is left of your conscious mind fills up Facebook with line after line of your desperate, stupid shit."

Office worker Stephen Malley, who works with keen people every day, said: "I do the kind of horrifying telesales-type job that's popular among those who wish they'd worked harder at school. You have to wear a lanyard and they time your toilet breaks with a stopwatch.

"It's as much as I can do to keep my wretched unshaven carcass upright in a chair and yet there are fuckers here who actually 'high-five' each other when something is 'achieved'."

He added: "They're consistently cheerful and often chant some mind-raping jingle from a television advert. Or they will use the word 'simples' 16 times a day and then expect me not to mow them down in the car park and drive back and forth over their skulls until they go 'pop!'.

"We should sack them all and replace them with the lazy dole scum. That way the office will be filled with normal humans who don't give a shit and only turn up two days a week, while the keen can all get together and start their own business where no-one is in danger of dying from a burst head."

DMash.